ARISE, Blog! I command thee to rise!
So, I missed Halloween with that spooky reference, just like I missed doing my usual irreverent and mockery-filled NFL preview before the season started. I can rectify the latter by writing out some quick thoughts per team partway through this absolutely bizarre year. That's totally the same, really! I will keep myself honest and mention teams that I thought would be awful - I was hilariously wrong in a couple of cases, much like last season.
Let Mortal Kombat commence!
NFC East
I really thought that this would be a return to the halcyon days of the NFC Least division, where they received immense amounts of airtime for generally poor football. The Eagles were my lone playoff pick out of everyone, and I had both New York and Washington rated as two of the worst teams in the game. I guess 50% isn't too bad, right? RIGHT? Dallas would be mired in mediocrity.
1. Washington Commanders
Look, I was simply expecting a rebuild, okay? Look at that offensive line! YOU LOOK AT IT! Name me a receiver not named Terry McLaurin. Now explain to me how this offense is working as well as it is. It's insane. The defense has looked good, but Dan Quinn has proven to be a good teacher and great defensive coach, so that doesn't surprise me all that much. I actually liked the Quinn hire for those reasons. And it turns out that Kliff Kingsbury isn't a complete clown when you limit him to running an offense. Jayden Daniels is this year's unicorn rookie quarterback who raises the expectations of all rookie passers to largely unrealistic levels.
I guess ridding yourself of one of the worst owners in professional sports and his cadre of loyal idiots can be a good thing. Who knew?
2. Philadelphia Eagles
Putting Saquon Barkley behind an actually competent offensive line equals fireworks, which just about anyone with a pulse figured would happen. To nobody's surprise, replacing human dumpster fire Matt Patricia with Vic Fangio has also led to improvement. One could have replaced Patricia with the stupid pencil tucked behind his idiot ear and still ended up with a better defense.
The problem is that Philly succeeds in spite of not really patching obvious problems. Passing game vanishes whenever 1 of the big 2 receivers gets hurt? Let's pretend that Parris Campbell is anything good. And then pick up Jahan Dotson, who has accomplished somewhere between little and nothing. Need linebackers? I'm sure Tampa Bay cast off Devin White by mistake. And then there's professional idiot Nick Sirianni. When he's not busy shouting at fans of his own team, he's busy doing something. I actually don't know what this jackass does, since he had no input into hiring the new coordinators this past offseason. Just keep him away from sharp things and fire and they should be a lock for the playoffs.
3. Dallas Cowboys
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
All in. They're all in, guys! Apparently the definition of 'all in' which exists in the geriatric maze of Jerry Jones' brain means signing an aging linebacker and a reunion with utterly washed Ezekiel Elliott. Then we'll replace Dan Quinn with another decrepit old man in Mike Zimmer. Sure, he hasn't coached in years and everyone was piecing up his defense regularly late in his Minnesota stint, but he'll shake all of that off, right? Mike coaches defense like he's trying to let the other team score faster so he can make it to the diner before the Early Bird Special is done for the day. Mike McCarthy is inexplicably still the head coach and remains a master of looking befuddled by everything around him.
Oh hey, let's give up a 4th round pick for Jonathan Mingo! But we'll wait until after Dak goes out for the year, so that Cooper Rush and Trey Lance can maximize his potential. Brilliant! Their own goddamn stadium was built in such a way that their own receivers drop passes because they're being blinded by the sun. This team's best hope lies in the death of the owner.
4. New York Giants
Sweet merciful fuck. You mean to tell me that Devin Singletary is not a replacement for Saquon? Shocking! Evan Neal remains a terrible draft choice. They paid Daniel Jones a bajillion dollars as though doing so would be the glass slipper that transforms him into the finest quarterback at the ball. Then again, this team drafted him entirely because his college coach was previously the coach for each of the Manning brothers. This is not made up. One of the dumbest reasons to draft a player ever. They aren't noted for their judgment. At least Malik Nabers looks like a monster.
Defensively, the trade for Brian Burns has helped create one of the nastiest front lines in football. They just haven't bothered to try to put anything in place behind them that can be relied upon to cover even a stationary object for more than a second. I feel kind of bad for Brian Daboll, who seems like a good coach saddled by horrible personnel decisions by Joe Schoen and the newest batch of the Mara family.
NFC North
I wasn't too far off the mark here, as I didn't think any of these teams would be truly bad. The Bears were hilariously overrated, but they would avoid garbage fire territory. I did think the Vikings would be dead last, but it turns out their coaching staff is capable of enough witchcraft that they're getting past their many flaws.
1. Detroit Lions
Hell has officially frozen over. The Lions are good. They're really good. Jared Goff has become so crazy accurate that it's noteworthy when a pass falls incomplete. I jinxed him. He threw 5 picks after I wrote this. It's all over. Amon-Ra St. Brown has the insane production year after year to go with one of the best names in sports. Jameson Williams is actually decent when he isn't being suspended because he's dumber than fuck. The two headed running attack is showing maybe Brad Holmes wasn't mainlining pure crazy when he drafted Jahmyr Gibbs 12th overall. So many knee caps have been bitten and consumed!
And now, Aaron Glenn's defense seems to have figured out that giving up yardage isn't actually the point. The secondary is actually pretty good, but the pass rush disappeared as soon as Aiden Hutchinson shattered his leg like kindling. The linebackers exist. I'm sure their moms are proud.
2. Minnesota Vikings
Kevin O'Connell is a warlock. The guy keeps crafting credible offenses out of spare parts and castoffs. Sam Darnold? Sure, we'll turn him into reasonable facsimile of a quarterback who someone will grossly overpay in the near future. No interior line? Who needs one! He'll create a game plan where it somehow isn't a problem that his center and guards may as well be globs of old chewing gum scraped off the bottom of a desk. That's highly unrealistic. The gum would offer more resistance to defenders than Ed Ingram ever has in his short career. Brian Flores is also practicing dark magic, as he masks a complete lack of decent defensive linemen or defensive backs with any speed by BLITZING EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. Fuck coverage - just kill people!
Imagine how good this team could be with a GM who isn't an idiot. First, Kwesi Adofo-Mensah just continued the Spielman-Zimmer path of doubling down on veterans. Then he changed course without setting up the roster with succession plans at any position on the field. I don't think he knows that line play is even a thing. I can't wait for the upcoming draft, where he ignores huge needs elsewhere and drafts yet another receiver because reasons.
3. Green Bay Packers
Jordan Love is like some sort of weird football Santa. He has passes for everyone! Lots of good receivers? They all get the ball! A stack of piledriving running backs? There's plenty for them to share as well! And let's not leave the opposing defenses left out. He'll toss a football directly to every last one of them, too. His generosity is both amazing and incredibly stupid. He's Brett Favre without the fraud. Yet. As stated, the receivers are good. Unfortunately, they take turns actually showing talent. If it isn't someone's turn to go off, they instead drop everything sent their way. The line is solid except for when it feels like being a sieve. The Packers offense is insanity.
It's nice seeing their defense run by someone with competent aggression. No more sitting back in a shell all day and getting picked apart. No more ancient schemes of Dom Capers that may as well have been scrawled on cave walls somewhere. Actual defense!
4. Chicago Bears
The degree to which this team was overhyped heading into the season was insane. Sure, Caleb Williams has looked reasonable (for non-freak rookie passers), but people were talking him up for 5000 yards and 78 touchdowns. They decided to buy high on D'Andre Swift, as though his career season wasn't a product of a great line on a team that pounded the rock like dwarven miners. Keenan Allen is terrific when he's healthy, which is approximately never. We were supposed to get excited about Gerald Everett for some reason. And the line is rough. Nate Davis was cast off by THE TITANS. When the Titans don't want a lineman, that should set off very loud alarms. The tackles don't seem to understand that pass rushers are allowed to run around them.
The biggest problem is the coaching staff. Matt Eberflus still doesn't understand clock or timeout management. He's the village idiot reborn as a coach. He finally got out from under Luke Getsy bumblefucking his offense and replaced him with a guy Seattle cast off. He made this hire on purpose. Now we get to watch as Chicago hands the ball off to offensive linemen in critical situations. POWER FOOTBALL or something. UPDATE : Shane Waldron is gone, only to be replaced by one of the guys responsible for Carolina's offense last year. This is progress??
NFC South
Atlanta has done better than I expected, but the holes in the lineup aren't really a surprise. Carolina is absolute trash to the surprise of nobody. I thought New Orleans would be weak, but holy fuck did I not see it being this bad. And the Bucs have struggled in the spots that seemed obvious based on their roster flaws.
1. Atlanta Falcons
This team leads the division despite the hilarity of drafting a pro ready prospect 8th overall to sit behind Kirk Cousins for two years. Cousins has gotten back on track, slinging the rock around and engaging in his usual trash talk that tries to sound cocky and Christian wholesome all at once. It turns out that Kyle Pitts, Bijan Robinson and Darnell Mooney are actually really good players when not in offenses run by total dipshits. The line doesn't seem to understand that pass protection is a thing, but Kirk is used to being under siege right off the snap from his days in purple.
A pass rush sure would help. Or better play from the interior defensive line. Or a second corner to pair up with AJ Terrell on the outside. But hey, they really needed Michael Penix Jr.!. It all makes perfect sense! I'm sure his presence is comforting to the increasingly cadaver-like Arthur Blank on the sidelines during games. One of these days, Blank is going to die during a game and nobody will notice.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Watching Baker Mayfield light the league on fire while the Browns flail around incompetently is a delicious glass of the finest Schadenfreude ever, slinging it all over the field to Evans, Godwin and McMillian. Oh, but they're all hurt. Is Chris Godwin ever actually healthy? For some reason, the team decided to keep pretending that Rachaad White was a starting tailback based on his history of never once being a consistent runner. Vita Vea is the defensive version of Godwin, a terrific talent who is always out of the lineup. Lavonte David remains a ridiculously talented linebacker who nobody ever remembers. Antoine Winfield Jr is an absolute monster in the middle of the defensive backfield.
Of course, Jason Licht has to derp his way into a few highly questionable decisions. We'll replace Shaq Barrett with a small mound of magic beans! Who needs an actual linebacker next to David, when we can just construct something out of papier mache? To be fair, it isn't like Devin White was consistently any better than that. And somebody named Zyon McCollum is absolutely ready to be the #2 cornerback! Who needs offensive line depth? We have misguided hope!
3. Carolina Panthers
Holy shit, they aren't in last! That itself is a victory. It's the only victory for this congealing puddle of shit that is supposedly a football team. Coaching the puddle is Dave Canales, hired way too fast because he's supposed to be a quarterback whisperer of sorts after resurrecting the careers of both Geno Smith and Baker Mayfield. He was also likely the only person willing to deal with David Tepper's bullshit. To say that this roster is bereft of talent would be an understatement. The reign of Scott Fitterer was so egregiously awful that he should face a tribunal at The Hague.
Their big offseason additions were a new interior offensive line, Jonathan Brooks at running back (yet to play due to injury) and Diontae Johnson (possibly the single most inconsistent decent receiver in the history of the game. Also, he's now a Baltimore Raven). Miles Sanders remains as a cosmic joke. The defense was completely gutted, leaving them with perennial 'he might have a good year' candidate Jadeveon Clowney, and the approximately 7 total games that they'll get from Shaq Thompson and Jaycee Horn. This team should qualify for federal disaster relief funds.
4. New Orleans Saints
Ladies and gentlemen, we have dug ourselves a whole new circle of Hell. A team being beneath the Panthers makes so little sense that it defies the existence of logic itself. This team keeps hilariously convincing itself that it's just one more old guy away from being a surprise title contender. This might actually be rock bottom enough that even Mickey fucking Loomis and the idiotic owners realize that the jig has been up for 5 years. Hey, they finally fired Dennis Allen! Of course, the remaining coaches are all guys who he vouched for, so enjoy that.
Cam Jordan has finally gotten old and taken the pass rush with him, as Payton Turner and Isaiah Foskey are godawful wastes of draft picks. Demario Davis is on his last legs. Tyrann Mathieu has become a slow, sad version of what he used to be. Come one and all and feast your eyes on a truly stunning number of blown draft picks and bad spending choices! And now they've spent so long kicking the cap can down the road that it has become less of a road and more of an infinite loop of financial disaster. This team is going to be horrible for years. Nobody reputable is going to take the coach or GM gigs. This is what years of delusion gets you - well and truly fucked.
NFC West
I actually did think that the Cardinals would be competitive, but not to this degree. Rams and Seahawks had enough flaws that competent seemed like their cap. And I'm not overly shocked by the fall of the Niners - years of blown high picks have made this roster so top heavy that a few injuries just decimates them.
1. Arizona Cardinals
What in the actual fuck is this madness? Jonathan Gannon turned out to be another Dan Campbell - hilariously bad start to his run with a stupid sound bite, followed by actually seeming like a good motivator and coach. The departure of Kliff Kingsbury and his stark Bond villain home has returned Kyler Murray to football competence after years of listing 'Call of Duty pro' as his occupation. They actually have blockers! They actually have a pass rush! That can actually slow down the other team's running game! They were BUYERS at the trade deadline! This team's strangely successful start to the year probably foretold the return of the Trump administration.
2. San Francisco 49'ers - Brock Purdy is on the verge of being paid the GDP of the entire Caribbean per year. Christian McCaffrey is finally back after missing the first half of the season with Achilles tendons somehow rusting out of his ankles. And the rest of the skill position players remain productive even without Brandon Aiyuk. Things are looking up after some struggles while the entire offensive lineup was hurt. Unfortunately, the defense remains a pale shadow of what it once was. Fred Warner is fantastic, but has to be an entire linebacker corps by himself. Nick Bosa overpursues so aggressively that drawing him to do so has become a legit part of the offensive game plan for their opponents. They have no depth anywhere. This is what happens when you waste high draft picks on Trey Lance. And Drake Jackson. And Cameron Latu. And Jake Moody. Kyle Shanahan is here to look like a genius until he yet again forgets that you're allowed to run the ball in the playoffs.
3. Los Angeles Rams - Look what happens when this team stops fucking them picks and actually drafts players? They nail every single pick throughout the draft. It's ridiculous! Unfortunately, they possess no depth on the roster after years of going for it. Professional statue Matthew Stafford can still sling it if his patchwork line can hold their blocks for enough time that an entire eclipse eclipse cycle can begin and end. They made productive receivers of Tyler Johnson and Demarcus Robinson. They had to, because everyone else was hurt. Cooper Kupp is a rumor at this point. The defense has actually done well without Aaron Donald, though coverage breakdowns happen due to a complete lack of anybody that you've ever heard of.
4. Seattle Seahawks - They started 2-0. Then they reminded everyone that they aren't very good. Geno Smith is insistent on making reads so bad they should be censored on screen. The line can't stay healthy. They spent consecutive 2nd rounders on running backs, yet are always stuck picking up your weird uncle off waivers to carry the rock because those backs are always hurt. DK Metcalf vacillates between "OH MY GOD WHAT A TALENT" and "Oh my God, I forgot he was out here". They remade the linebacker corps and got worse. Tariq Woolen can't seem to decide if he's a great corner or the newest incarnation of Terrell Buckley. They can't tackle. Needs work. Everywhere.
AFC East
"Boy howdy, this whole division could be pretty good (besides the Patriots). So much potential."
LOL. Sure, prognosticators. Sure thing. I had Buffalo winning this, New York in the wild card mix (Never believe in the Jets, kids!), Miami struggling to keep up and the Patriots as maybe the worst team in the entire league.
1. Buffalo Bills - Let's take away Stefon Diggs and not replace him. And it won't matter at all, because Josh Allen has become Captain America. Remember when he was an inaccurate moron? That's long gone. It helps that Joe Brady actually runs the ball to keep defenses honest, something previous coordinators couldn't seem to get the hang of. Khalil Shakir is the sleeper a lot of people thought he would be. The defense is playing very well. Greg Rousseau has become a monster. They seem to be able to plug in any old pylon and receive solid corner play from it. If only they had spent their top pick last year on an actual football player rather than Dalton Kincaid. There really isn't a lot of make fun of, and I hate them for it.
2. Miami Dolphins - 3-6 record and in 2nd place in this clogged toilet of a division. I never again want to hear about Mike McDaniel being some sort of offense wunderkind. Every single game without Tua under center was a fucking war crime. This guy can't scheme up anything beyond MOAR LONG BOMB. Tua himself remains a good deep ball passer until the inevitable day when he gets knocked unconscious and awakens identifying as a tax accountant named Barry. Oh, and he throws himself head first at defenders after an interception, so he's totally smart and stuff. They keep drafting running backs as though Pete Carroll is somehow involved in the team. Their defense is horrible. Half of their offensive line could be replaced by bus drivers and nobody would notice the difference. They replaced Christian Wilkins with Benito Jones and thought it would work.
3. New York Jets - Just wait until we get a full season of Aaron! This team's going to the Super Bowl! They started horribly and justifiably fired Robert Saleh. Nope, still shit! How in the fuck is Joe Douglas still the GM?! Has he ever made a single high leverage move that rates better than 'utter disaster'? They traded for a pass rusher who was holding out for a new deal and then were then caught unawares when he continued to hold out for a new deal. Half their receiving corps were undrafted free agents, but they were surprised when the lack of depth hurt them. Every major free agent signing lists 'being injured' amongst their hobbies, yet they were caught off guard when all of them got hurt again. They didn't restock the defensive line. Aaron Rodgers is less likable than botulism. They might get a bit of a boost by a likely cabinet position for Woody Johnson in the new Trump administration. I'm not even joking. I am actually predicting this. They were buyers at the deadline due to organizational stupidity and the reunion of Aaron and Davante Adams has led to nothing. They're actually worse than they were with ZACK WILSON at quarterback.
4. New England Patriots - Jeeeeezus. They finally turned the page on the last, wheezing days of the Belichick experience. Then the owners and Jerod Mayo didn't appear to agree on anything during interviews. We're going to spend, no we're not! We're going to draft a quarterback, we might not, oh look we did! Their brilliant solution to a talent-poor roster was to just re-sign or extend everyone who was already there. What a shocker, they're still talent-poor! The secondary is actually thinner than it was a year ago. They still don't have a single receiver who should be higher in the lineup than WR3. The only addition made to one of the worst offensive lines in the entire NFL was the washed up carcass of Chukwuma Okarafor. Then, Christian Barmore was shut down with blood clots, rendering the entire defense about as tough as a sleeping baby. Speed? What's speed? We don't believe in that. Drake Maye looks legit, but this franchise is in total disarray.
AFC North
I really expected this to be the best division in the game, with no really bad teams. I had the Ravens and Bengals competing for first, but apparently someone forgot to wake up Cincinnati. Pittsburgh would be 3rd, and Cleveland a competitive 4th. Sigh.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers - So, Justin Fields will actually appear decent, but we'll still replace him with a Russell Wilson who looked like a collapsing star when we last saw him. Only, it will work out?! Mike Tomlin has sold his soul for the promise of perpetually competitive football. There is no other explanation. The offensive line continues to play well, though Broderick Jones' second year has been rough. They finally realized that Calvin Austin is garbage and picked up Mike Williams, but he will fracture every bone in his legs in about 3 games. Defensively, Cam Heyward is never going to get old and wear down. He'll remain one of the league's greatest defensive linemen in a few millennia in the Post-Apocalyptic Football League. They've rebuilt the rest of the defense. They will not be stopped. They are eternal.
2. Baltimore Ravens - Lamar Jackson is tearing teams apart on a weekly basis. Derrick Henry is stomping the carcasses of their victims into a fine paste. Zay Flowers is really good. Every tight end they touch becomes solid, though never all at once. The young line has come together. Sadly, they'll lose in the playoffs when new addition Diontae Johnson drops 5 passes. Just let it happen.
That's if their defense lets them get there, because apparently the only way for the Ravens to have a good offense is for them to possess one of the worst defenses in the entire league. Turns out that replacing Patrick Queen with nothing was a mistake. Their annual tradition of having every cornerback get hurt persists. They can't rush the quarterback. They can't stop the run. They can't do anything. John Harbaugh's decision to pass over his established defensive coaches to hand the DC reins to Zach Orr certainly looks great!
3. Cincinnati Bengals - Remember when Lou Anarumo looked like a good defensive coordinator? Remember when Logan Wilson and Germaine Pratt were productive? Remember when they had a defensive front who could stop people larger than a typical third grade student? Remember when they could rush the passer? Trey Hendrickson is having the season of his life and it doesn't remotely matter. On offense, Burrow and Chase continue to be incredible, but that's about it. The offensive line never lives up to what it's supposed to. Tee Higgins can't stay healthy and will soon be an afterthought. They don't have a consistent slot receiver, though Mike Gesicki is good for the approximately 3 games a year when he turns back the clock. At least Chase Brown seems like a good back. Zac Taylor is here to remind everyone that fully grown people shouldn't be named Zac. This team got back to 'Oh right, Mike Brown is a cheap idiot owner and scouts are important' in a hurry.
4. Cleveland Browns - Welcome to the evidence that karma exists. The retribution on this franchise has been absolute. Deshaun Watson has regressed to a degree that has never been seen before. It's weird to remember when a stud he was in Houston and then look at the smoking crater that is his Browns tenure. When your team is resting hope on the interception-prone jackassery of Jameis Winston, you are well and truly fucked. But it's okay, they're only stuck with Deshaun for least 2 more years! Andrew Berry is an awful GM who has whiffed on multiple picks and keeps trading for mediocre receivers. The offensive line fell from really good to really fucking old with impressive haste. Their secondary is great, but they're soon going to lose half of it when everyone comes up for free agency in the next year or so. They purposely picked up more veteran quarterbacks and defensive tackles than they could carry because Berry is a fucking dipshit. The franchise motto may as well be "Keep it stupid".
AFC South
AFC South football is the Texans and blinding horror. I figured Houston would win this thing in a walk. I had the Titans in 4th. Indy seemed mediocre and 3rd and Jackonville also mediocre and 2nd. I was wrong. I was so wrong. It's all so bad. People talked about how every team in the division had a young quarterback with potential, so they were all wrong as well. Wrong should be the subtitle for the division as a whole.
1. Houston Texans - They were a lock to win this thing from the start because everyone else spent the offseason desperately trying to shore up bad rosters and just ignoring problems. Bobby Slowik keeps fucking things up by running 25 times a game when they really shouldn't. Dameon Pierce remains around to make people wish for a replacement who isn't cheeks. Joe Mixon is decent, but he's a little long in the tooth and the extension for him was strange. The offensive line is horrible. Kenyon Green is vomit. Tytus Howard isn't very good, either. Both were first round picks. Luckily, the defense is incredible. They smash quarterbacks. They smash running backs. They smash receivers. They would probably smash the fans of their opponents if that weren't a felony. And they still have a beastly quarterback when Bobby remembers that 2 yards per run isn't something to pursue.
Isn't it amazing how a franchise can turn things around when the Patriots team chaplain doesn't Rasputin his way into being your President of Football Operations? Still the weirdest fucking tenure in recent memory.
2. Indianapolis Colts - A year ago, they spent the 4th pick on a quarterback so raw that he makes Steak Tartare look well done. Now they've turned the team over to a plucky 39 year old Joe Flacco, only to keep losing because this time his team isn't good enough to cover for his 2 picks per start habit. Back to Richardson! It makes sense, but he is godawful. They have a loaded receiving corps who neither quarterback can utilize effectively. The offensive line remains rock solid, but it doesn't matter. They still don't rush the passer well enough. Doubling down on problems with pass defense, they added nobody to a weak secondary and seem surprised that their coverage breakdowns haven't cleared up on their own. Chris Ballard is still the general manager and I genuinely don't understand how or why that's the case. There doesn't seem to be a plan here beyond flailing around and grabbing on to totally random player moves and ignoring years-long issues.
3. Tennessee Titans - They aren't in last place, and that's horrifying. I'm a fan and even I can't watch whatever this is anymore. The quarterback play can charitably be described as shit. The right tackle options consist of Larry, Curly or Moe. The passing game was reliant on Treylon Burks staying healthy and Calvin Ridley being consistent, which is totally smart and stuff. They spent a fortune on L'Jarius Sneed and Chidobe Awuzie only for the latter to get hurt again and the former to see his play drop off now that he no longer has a ferocious pass rush to help him out. Then he also got hurt. Now a 5th round rookie and a pickup from the Colts practice squad are the outside corners, and that's going as well as you think it is. The punter thinks hammering the ball deep every time is good and they spent the offseason unloading every special teams player worth a shit. This team is to kick coverage what Aaron Rodgers is to normalcy. They have no depth. They have no speed. They have no hope.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars - In the continuing tales of 'How the fuck is this guy still a GM?', we come to Trent Baalke. He got this job after destroying the 49'ers because the Khan family is about as competent at running a football franchise as Elon Musk is at running just about everything. Hey guys, Shad Khan insisted this was the best team they've ever had! And who wouldn't share that enthusiasm after ponying up for old and injury prone Arik Armstead, continuous drops case Gabe Davis and ancient Mitch Morse? Who needs a left guard? Who needs a receiver not named Brian Thomas? Doug Pedersen's usage of running backs has been absolutely bipolar. Travon Walker exists as a persistent troll of their own fan base as they think about what life would be like with Aidan Hutchinson opposite Josh Hines-Allen. They handed a huge extension to Tyson Campbell coming off the worst season of his career in a defensive system that he doesn't look comfortable playing in. They also handed all of the money on Earth to their supposed franchise quarterback coming off a season of struggle. This team is stupendous at striking when the iron is stone cold. Ron Darby is old. Every defensive tackle is bad. Every pick made after Brian Thomas was taken way too early. Welcome to the circus, folks!
AFC West
And finally, we arrive here. I had the Chiefs winning and the Chargers looking like an actually competent football team, though hindered by some roster gaps. The Raiders would be decent IF their questionable quarterback/offense could step up (LOL), and the Broncos as one of the worst teams in the league. Ahem.
1. Kansas City Chiefs - They just keep finding ways to win, but I don't know if there has ever been an undefeated team this late into the season that inspired less confidence that they do. It's great that they don't panic and continue to pull out close wins, but the whole thing just seems incredibly fragile. Patrick Mahomes is suddenly Captain of the good ship Interception. And still gets talked about like he's an MVP candidate because football media's Chiefs boner refuses to soften. Travis Kelce and Deandre Hopkins catch anything within a county of them but possess about as much speed and explosiveness as a hibernating bear. Xavier Worthy is really fast and refuses to get anywhere near an actual football. He runs routes like avoiding the catch is the goal of his game. The rest of the receiving corps is a weird collection of returnees. Remember JuJu? He's back! I mean, he's hurt, but someday. And Mecole Hardman is here to occasionally make something happen. The line is great and seemingly anyone can run for 90+ yards behind it. And suddenly, the defense is the star of the show. This team comes after quarterbacks like a horde of sprinting zombies seeking out brains.
2. Los Angeles Chargers - I will never get used to addressing this team with that city. It's weird and unseemly and the Spanos family should burn for it. On the field, their strategy of collecting broken down ex-Ravens running backs has been weirdly successful. The line is a collection of human bulldozers bent on the decimation of anything before them. Who needs big name wide receivers when you have a healthy Justin Herbert and the weird dark magical powers of Jim Harbaugh? Jim seems like a guy who would be awesome to hang out with. For about an hour. After that, you find yourself hoping he steps into a bear trap.
The defense is finally looking like it was supposed to for years under previous 'guru' Brandon Staley. The secondary has some holes, but every single player out there is some sort of weird quarterback seeking missile. The US Air Force will be launching Mack, Bosa and company at their next enemy. Hell, Joey seems dumb enough that he'd probably volunteer for it.
3. Denver Broncos - Wait, this team has 5 wins? HOW?! Bo Nix has actually had an impressive rookie campaign, which is even better when you look at who he's throwing to. Courtland Sutton has about 3 big games per year to convince everyone that he's really good. They moved up in the draft last year to get Marvin Mims and now refuse to let him do anything but return punts, because that totally makes sense. The committee of 17 different running backs has generally managed to forge together a decent ground game, like a mediocre football version of Voltron. And the line has actually managed to play up to their contracts for once. The defense continues to outperform their personnel under the weird second Denver appearance of Vance Joseph. I hate the fact that Sean Payton and his goddamn visor are being talked up again. I loathe this man.
4. Las Vegas Raiders - So, maybe giving Antonio Pierce the permanent job wasn't such a good move? Questions began almost at once, as he decided to actually give a job to Luke Getsy fresh off of his performance in Chicago. Then again, the team decided to give the GM gig to Tom Telesco after watching him fail miserably with the Chargers for years, so nobody involved in this organization seems capable of making sound choices. Let's pretend that Zamir White is a starting back based off a small sample size! Why that's never blown up in anyone's face before! Who needs consistent wideouts? Who needs a quarterback capable of launching a deep ball? Who needs a secondary? We don't need that when Tom Brady is a minority share owner! Of course, that's meant that his ability to be a commentary has been shot in the face, but whatever! He's handsome, goddammit! And his winning ways will somehow rub off on this moribund franchise? Or something? Good thing we spent 100 mil on a defensive tackle. That will fix the offense...
