Here we are, at the cusp of another season of FOOTBAW! And so I must mock and make horrible predictions that will be proven entirely wrong by about Week 3. It’s what I do!
We’ll start with the NFC, which is just as boring as last year. A handful of good teams atop a superstructure of rust and absolute failure. How fun!
NFC East
Philadelphia - The Eagles are still on top, which is as much a statement about the failings of their divisional rivals as it is one on their own quality. Completely forgetting the lesson that actually having functional linebackers is a good thing, they spent the entire offseason settling for the flotsam not deemed good enough by the rest of the league. But hey, they really needed to collect the entire Georgia Bulldogs defensive line. Seriously, this team has 13 defensive linemen and edge rushers on the roster to 4 wide receivers. Marcus Mariota is here to provide the ultimate definition of mediocrity personified, though he spent all preseason looking much worse than that. They also lost all of their safeties, which was the cost of keeping Darius Slay and James Bradberry. Corners in their thirties never fade, right? As the ultimate cherry on top, they hired Matt Patricia. On purpose! The next global pandemic will begin within his greasy filth-bucket of a beard.
Best Name on the Roster : Olamide Zaccheaus. Either a wide receiver or the patron saint of pimps.
Dallas - IT’S THEIR YEAR, Y’ALL! THIS TIME THEY GO ALL THE WAY! It’s the annual braying nonsense of the ignorant followers of America’s Team. Tony Pollard is now the lone back, fresh off of a leg snapped in half. They’ve got an offensive line in front of him, but will follow tradition and lose the entire group in a heap of fragmented ligaments by Week 3. They did not replace Ezekiel Elliott and have nobody with any power in the backfield. They gave up more for Trey Lance than they received a year ago for Amari Cooper, and Jerruh acquired Lance without asking anyone with any knowledge of football whether he fits their team at all. Brandin Cooks and Stephon Gilmore continue their respective tours through every franchise in the NFL. But there is good news : Mike McCarthy got his way and unloaded Kellen Moore. Running the offense now are he and Brian fucking Schottenheimer. Get ready for three quarters of punching themselves in the taint and then asking Dak Prescott to single-handedly bail them out of trouble. Luckily he’s GREAT under pressure.
Best Name on the Roster : Rico Dowdle. Sounds like the owner of an Italian deli who keeps making specious claims that he has mafia connections.
Washington - Because the team basically didn’t have an active owner all offseason, Ron Rivera is still here to keep the seat warm for 8 weeks until his inevitable firing for Eric Bienemy to take over. But we can all enjoy half a season of Ron constantly looking befuddled by everything he sees. Every single quarterback on the roster would be fighting to earn the backup job anywhere else in the league. They’re still hoping the tight end can repeat his one successful season, and that was three years ago. The offensive line is awful. The defensive line looks good on paper, but never lives up to the billing. Chase Young is less durable than Papyrus scrolls from 3000 BC. They spent their top pick on a cornerback who is leaner than one of the starving children in a Unicef commercial. However, let’s let Commanders fans rejoice in the fact that Dan Snyder is finally gone. And maybe sometime soon they’ll have a football stadium that doesn’t frequently leak sewage onto parts of the crowd. Dare to dream!.
Best name on the roster : Dax Milne. A private eye in a near future Cyberpunk hellscape!
New York - This team spent the entire second half of last season failing. They won three games where the opposition had a legitimate chance to win on the final play. They barely squeezed out a winning record while being outscored on the year. Daniel Jones turned 15 TD passes into a $160 million extension. The receiving corps wasn’t good, and their answer was to simply re-sign everyone anyway and to take over from the Colts in wondering “Is THIS the year that Parris Campbell accomplishes something?”. This entire mess relies on the durability of Saquon Barkley and Darren Waller, which is like relying on trickle down economics to start helping the common man. The defense is relying on stalwarts like Bobby McCain and Carlos Basham Jr. to actually accomplish something. They have two good defensive backs on the entire roster. This team has totally turned the corner!
Best name on the roster : Cor’Dale Flott. It’s a minor skin condition affecting thousands of terriers every year.
NFC North
Detroit - Nothing screams “The end times are upon us!” like choosing the Detroit fucking Lions to actually win something. But here we are, with Dan Campbell’s Association of Kneecap Chompers at the top of a fairly mediocre heap. Jared Goff managed to put up the sort of numbers he did early on for the Rams. And just like what happened there, he will now wilt under the pressure of expectation. But the weapons around him! They drafted a running back at 12th overall who hopes to one day weigh 200 pounds. They pinned all of their hopes on Jameson Williams, he of one NFL catch, to improve the passing offense only to see him suspended because he was too impatient to wait and place a bet at home. Oh, but old Marvin Jones is here, and that’s totally the same thing. While they drastically improved the back seven of the defense, the front line is still Aidan Hutchinson and the Question Marks.
Best name on the roster - Benito Jones. Mediocre rotational defensive lineman by day, nunchuck wielding blaxploitation character by night.
Green Bay - Surely we have reached the end of the Green Bay Quarterback Juggernaut, right? Haven’t we all suffered enough?! Then again, management wasn’t willing to fully capitalize on the presence of the previous two, so maybe it’s more entertaining for all if the trend continues, Jordan Love is a monster, and he leaves in 15 years as a disgruntled bridge troll of a human being because management wouldn’t cater to his every whim. Consistency! He has a whole pile of receivers who have proven nothing but an ability to drop the ball in big situations. Maybe better health for David Bakhtiari and Jaire Alexander helps the offensive line and secondary this year. Of course, the exact same sentence was also said last year, and look how that turned out. The defense looks like it could be good, but that was also a comment from last season. And nobody really needs safeties, right?
Best name on the roster - Rasul Douglas. Slot corner or Batman villain?
Chicago - Most teams would try to shore up their defense by spending assets to build a pass rush, especially when their secondary has as much potential as this one does. Not the Bears, though! No, they’ll spend enormous sums of money on off ball linebackers. That’s the ticket! And despite all of the mobility on display from Justin Fields, he still got hit more often than a heavy bag at a boxing gym. Their solution was to spend a first round pick on a tackle (good) and go sign a guard from the Titans. Did they watch any Titans games last season? That line held up about as well in pass pro as a group of elementary school crossing guards would have. They have collected a group of tight ends whose qualifications seem to consist of ‘enormous human being’. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just a bit amusing. And Chase Claypool remains to half ass any route that isn’t a fly pattern and remind fans that the team gave up the 33rd pick in the draft to get him. Nathan Peterman is still here as the backup! NATHAN PETERMAN.
Best name on the team - Patrick Scales. This team is so mid that their long snapper possesses the best name.
Minnesota - This team used voodoo and flukey close game luck (those are possibly connected) to post the most fraudulent 13 win season in recorded history, then got wrecked in the playoffs by a Giants team that was possibly worse than they were. Then they spent the offseason clearing out a bunch of aging veterans, which has honestly been overdue for years, but man is this roster bad. Wanna run the ball? Alexander Mattison has been a decent change of pace back who maybe can do it somewhat, and there is no plan B. Wanna rush the passer? Well, they have Danielle Hunter. You know, until he blows apart 13 ligaments at once about 4 games into the year. They also signed Marcus Davenport, and apparently weren’t even forced to do so at gunpoint. Hiring Brian Flores to run the defense is great, but this front seven is a puddle of crap. They also have one more year of Kirk Cousins and no developmental plan behind him. Every high pick from last year already looks like a bust. They spent all of the cleared cap space on Davenport and Josh Oliver, for fuck’s sake. I don’t know what they’re doing. Clearly, neither do they.
Best name on the team - Josh Metellus. Moonlights as the bass player for a doom metal band.
NFC South
Atlanta - Because apparently someone has to win this absolute steaming dumpster of a division. It’s a requirement. A team that already ran over everyone a year ago, and that spent the 4th pick in the draft two seasons ago on a tight end, prioritized drafting a running back and acquiring a tight end this offseason. I don’t know if some other team’s GM somehow made their personnel decisions for a couple of months or if their actual GM is blind and nobody told him who is already on his roster. They signed a pile of aging defensive players, one or two of whom aren’t complete crap. Bud Dupree? On purpose? They traded for Jeff Okudah for reasons of absolute madness, and he was immediately the 2nd best cornerback on the team. They’re still limited to one decent wide receiver. The quarterback room is about as exciting as vanilla ice cream. Check that, it’s more like a null ice cream devoid of any flavor at all. This entire team is gruel. Arthur Blank constantly looking like an annoyed dad is the only fun thing here.
Best name on the team - Younghee Koo. It just carries a certain majesty. It’s also the only interesting thing about this franchise.
New Orleans - They just keep doubling down on some weird hope that they’re a real contender. It’s like hearing a kid with a terminal illness talk about what he’s going to be when he’s grown up. Son, it just ain't happening. Taking that completely misguided hope and continuing to attach it to Dennis Allen is just sad and funny at the same time. But it’s okay because DEREK CARR is here with a huge contract to make this team relevant. And that’s just what delusional Raiders fans spent the last 8+ years telling themselves. When you’re counting on Raider castoffs to lead you to glory, you fucked up. Alvin Kamara is suspended to start the year, which is just temporarily delaying his inevitable injury. Michael Thomas is more fragile than eggshells. The offensive line never plays as well as everyone seems to think it should. Every defensive lineman not named Cameron Jordan is complete garbage, which really isn’t anything new. Lucky for them, Jordan and Demario Davis apparently don’t age. Taysom Hill is still here to earn $20+ million for that one game each year that gets people excited. Jimmy Graham came back because reasons?
Best name on the team - Paulson Adebo. Anyone with two last names is alright by me.
Carolina - The Panthers have finally drafted a potential franchise quarterback! And he’s ready to save them just as soon as he’s finally tall enough to hop on any ride in the amusement park. Any day now. Nothing helps a young passer find his way like a talented group of pass catchers, and the Panthers just decided to ignore all of that and go with old Adam Thielen and ‘remember that one year where he looked like something’ DJ Chark. The interior line couldn’t pass block a year ago, and they’ve also done nothing to solve that. The defense did actually pick up some talent, and they took advantage of Sean Payton letting Ejiro Evero go because he’s not ‘his guy’ and have him running the D. Justin Houston is still playing because he found yet another team who keeps drafting edge rushers and watching them fail to pan out.
Best name on the team - Cade Mays. You just knew he’s an offensive lineman, didn’t you?
Tampa Bay - Remember last year, when they couldn’t block anybody but they had the best quarterback in the history of football to still guide them to a playoff berth? Repeat that, only replace Tom Brady with Baker Mayfield and something called a Kyle Trask. Sure, they still have all the receivers from a year ago, but it doesn’t matter because this line SUCKS. Ryan Jensen’s career is probably over because apparently he decided to treat a torn ACL with nothing. It was just going to heal on its own? They were the worst rushing team in the league and that probably won’t change. The defense features Shaq Barrett coming off an Achilles tear and a Devin White who plays linebacker with all the sense of a small child too distracted by a butterfly to pay attention to the game. They still haven’t replaced Jordan Whitehead, who left last year, and now also lack a slot corner. Todd Bowles is still the head coach because literally nobody gives a shit about this franchise. This is the first team that is going to be BAD. Really, really BAD.
Best name on the team - Yaya Diaby. Please be good so the marketing department can run with ‘Get your Yayas out!’.
NFC West
Seattle - This fucking team and their fucking neon green bullshit and their fucking gum smacking old codger of a coach and their fucking idiot 12th man fanbase. I loathe this franchise. And yet here they sit, perched atop this ‘A Tale of Two Divisions’ mess (that might make sense soon), crapping all over everything good and pure in this world. John Schneider has seemingly remembered that the draft is supposed to be used to take good players, which I find weird and unseemly. I miss the days of him spending the 25th pick on a long snapper from Tuscaloosa State. Of course, he still couldn’t help himself from spending a 2nd round pick on yet another running back. Seahawks are gonna Seahawk! Just ignore the interior lines on both sides of the ball that hold up as well as a row of wet saltine crackers. Noah Fant is around to make that one play every three games where you remember his existence and wonder how he isn’t open more often. Geno Smith had a season for the ages that was totally not just a weird blip. It’s fine that there’s nobody else behind him. Jamal Adams, who they acquired by giving up as much draft capital as they received a year ago for a starting quarterback, is still dealing with a quad tendon that may be purely theoretical at this point. He offers everything you want in a safety, except the ability to cover anything faster than a garden snail.
Best name on the team - Stone Forsythe. Is there anything better than really good offensive line names? Dude sounds like he takes out motorcycle gangs all by himself.
San Francisco - Brock Purdy is back from Tommy John surgery to be the team’s starting quarterback. Forget that he has about 8 total games worth of experience, and that MLB pitchers who have that surgery are a complete mess their first year back. It’s fine. If not, we have Sam Darnold, who will very quickly be seeing ghosts behind this offensive line. Everyone focuses on Trent Williams and ignores the rest of this Island of Misfit Toys. The entire offense is predicated on Purdy being legit and Christian McCaffrey, Deebo Samuel, George Kittle and Brandon Aiyuk all staying healthy, which has happened exactly once. And that was last year. They’re incredibly top heavy and shallow because they blew three first round picks on a quarterback who had no track record and who the coach didn’t even seem to want. That’s a weird theme with this franchise - John Lynch acquiring passers who Kyle Shanahan doesn’t want. Nick Bosa wants to get paid roughly the GDP of California, and is currently holding out, leaving them with Clelin Ferrell. UPDATE : Nick Bosa has been handed a contract paying him all of the money. He deserves it, but this team is even more capped out. They need depth everywhere and yet still took a kicker in the 3rd round, and he barely made the damn team. It’s all for nought anyway, as they’ll inevitably lose in the playoffs when Shanahan yet again forgets that running the ball is allowed. This despite being the one team in the league still spending millions of dollars on a fullback.
Best name on the team - Demetrius Flannigan-Fowles. It’s three names that don’t belong together, yet here they are.
Los Angeles - Remember that whole Tale of Two Divisions thing? Yeah, here’s where that comes in. This division is more top heavy than Pamela Anderson. Apparently Matt Stafford is having trouble remembering and relating to his teammates. I understand that because who the fuck are any of these people? This entire team is a collection of mid-to-late round picks built upon a foundation of Stafford, Cooper Kupp and Aaron Donald. Stafford is an immobile pocket passer stuck behind a line that suffered more injuries than a combat unit in an active war zone a year ago. He’s also trying to come back from serious injuries to his throwing arm and back. Not a problem, right? Kupp is already seeing specialists about a hamstring problem that won’t go away. He’s the only receiver Stafford trusts at all. Donald keeps contemplating retirement every year. Looking at this debacle, I don’t understand why he’s still here. The coach keeps doing the same thing. Literally nobody wants to be here. This city couldn’t give less of a shit about this team. Has any Super Bowl champion been forgotten faster than these guys? And they won it all two years ago! This team would be dead last anywhere else, but not this division. Oh no.
Best name on the team - Russ Yeast. By day, starting safety. By night, mascot for a bakery chain.
Arizona - Ladies and gentlemen, do not look directly at this franchise. It’s like peering into the Ark of the Covenant. You’ll just end up screaming and melting and then your head explodes. I was going to go bizarro and instead focus on good parts of the team to save time, but there literally aren’t any. Kyler Murray is too busy playing Call of Duty to learn the playbook, but he’s also out indefinitely while he recovers from a ruptured everything. That leaves Josh Dobbs and Clayton Tune under center. Literally every single wideout and tight end on the team is a question mark. Their running game lays in the hands of injury prone James Conner and nothing else. Their offensive line is a disaster area in need of UN intervention, and that’s after finally drafting a tackle with a high pick. Budda Baker is the only proven playmaker on the entire defense and he understandably wants the fuck out of here. This team not only hired the Eagles Defensive Coordinator to be their head coach, and losing him made Eagles fans HAPPY, they also lost draft picks because they managed to engage in tampering to do so. They’re also potentially facing punishment for keeping in contact via burner phones with ex-GM Steve Keim while he was suspended for DUI, and he was terrible. It isn’t impossible to imagine this being the first 0-17 team in the history of the league. Nothing is here but sadness, pain and cheap ownership. Dumb from top to bottom.
Best name on the team - Ilm Manning. Was there a misprint on the birth certificate? How did that name happen?
Playoff seeds
Philadelphia
Seattle
Detroit
Atlanta
San Francisco
Dallas
Green Bay
Conference title game
Philadelphia over San Francisco in a game where the 49’ers take a 10 point lead and then never once run the ball.
AFC Predictions
On to the better conference! Here’s where most of the power teams reside. It’s also where anyone not tippy top is going to spend the entire year getting bitch slapped until they die. Fun!
AFC East
Buffalo - Say hello to the AFC version of the Green Bay Packers! I don’t mean in terms of name recognition or being an historic franchise in the NFL. No, I’m referring to their complete unwillingness to ever push their chips into the middle of the table and take their shot. Why do that when you can contentedly coast along as ‘pretty good’ while your fans concuss themselves into drooling slowness by jumping through tables? Josh Allen is here to once again lead the team to the red zone and then throw a bad interception when he tries to play hero ball. Again. Always. It would help if anyone other than Stefon Diggs, a man who is never content and will seemingly live a joyless life of bitter complaint, could actually catch the ball. It would also help if Ken Dorsey would run the damn ball with anyone other than Josh Allen. This entire offense seems to be predicated on giving Josh an Andrew Luck career arc that the fanbase can lament for a decade of poor mediocrity to follow. The right side of the line is still garbage. The defense is completely dependent on a 33 year old Von Miller (still returning from knee surgery) to threaten the other team’s quarterback despite having about 17 other first round picks up front with him. The secondary will be lucky if they get through a quarter before half of them collapse with 26 different broken bones. And meathead Sean McDermott is still here to look confused when his far-from-brilliant schemes fail to work. Again. Always.
Best name on the team - Ryan Van Demark. He should be featured in a teen movie as the son of the villain trying to close down the town’s waterpark so that he can construct a toxic waste dump.
New York - The Lions AND the Jets look good? Look to the skies for the inevitable meteor strike or alien invasion or meteor sent careening into the planet by invading aliens! Everyone’s favorite curmudgeonly shroom advocate is here now. Aaron Rodgers isn’t the best quarterback in the league any longer, but he represents such a monumental upgrade over the useless Zach Wilson and the decrepit Joe Flacco that it scarcely matters. Still, the New York media machine will beat him into submission by about Week 11. He also might be beaten into submission by a team that ignored glaring needs at tackle in favor of drafting a third string pass rusher and signing yet another running back and Aaron’s old and broken down collection of comfort blankies at receiver. They also brought in Mecole Hardman to run really fast and completely miss his route cuts 95% of the time. I’m sure Aaron will love that. He’s so patient. To further help juice up the passing game, ex-Titans OC Todd Downing is here as Passing Game Coordinator. I’m pretty sure that Todd believes that throwing the ball is an arrestable offense.
Best name on the team - Michael Carter. Because there are literally two guys on the team with this name.
Miami - They lost draft picks this year for trying to work deals with both Sean Payton and Tom Brady while their rights were held elsewhere. They lost even more due to the trade for Bradley Chubb, who has never really lived up to his draft status and who finishes every year as ‘relatively decent’. Oh, they also swung a deal to grab Jalen Ramsey because the owner is a complete starfucker obsessed with big names over anything else. Ramsey is already hurt, and the toxic combination of himself and Xavien Howard is guaranteed to blow up the locker room by week 13. They’re stuck handing meaningful snaps to Eli Apple in the meantime. They drafted yet another fast running back, because if you aren’t a goddamn Olympic sprinter this team wants nothing to do with you. They still don’t have a right tackle, Terron Armstead is already dealing with so many injuries that he may as well be fitted for a body cast, and they struggled to protect their quarterback all year. That’s an issue when said QB is one more big hit away from having a head full of cream cheese. Every year starts off red hot and then they cool when everything collapses and the locker room disintegrates into a collection of whining children. Speaking of which, just wait until Robbie Chosen (aka Chosen Anderson aka Robbie Anderson aka Robby Anderson. There are actually more. The guy can’t decide between 5000 shitty name variations) gets left on the practice squad for more than 2 weeks!
Best name on the team - It’s a tie between Andrew Van Ginkel and Durham Smythe. Sounds like a law firm.
New England - It really says something about how dire your offensive outlook was when the hiring of Bill O’Brien is seen as a massive improvement. Joe Judge is bizarrely still the Quarterbacks coach, even though their special teams were abysmal last year and that’s actually his area of expertise. But gotta trust in Belichick, even as he continues to do completely dumb fucking things every year. They have a whole two running backs under contract and one of them is the empty husk of Ezekiel Elliott. This is quite the change of pace from Bill’s usual ‘7 different guys get a carry’ backfield. They will still avoid consistently giving the ball to Rhamondre Stevenson, even though he’s their best player on offense. The tackle situation is dire, and they’re one injury away from disaster basically across the front. JuJu Smith-Schuster is the only receiver with any consistent talent, and he has a TikTok obsession that is going to cause Belichick to murder him on the sidelines by midseason. The defense actually could be very good. 3 different cornerbacks have the last name Jones, meaning lots of two name nameplates. Despite needs all over the offense they still drafted a kicker in round 4 because ‘BELICHICKISAGENIUS’.
Best name on the team - Another copout tie due to 2 rookies : Sidy Sow and Marte Mapu.
AFC North
Cincinnati - The Bengals are nearing the end. Mike Brown has lived a life of cheapness and failure to invest in this team. Whenever they hit success, they’re described as brilliant because they don’t have enough scouts and get the coaching staff involved instead. This isn’t smart. It’s cheap as fuck. And you’re telling me that this dipshit is going to hand over the money required to resign Joe Burrow, Ja’marr Chase and Tee Higgins? HA! I have some beachfront property on the surface of Mars to sell you. They did spend to add Orlando Brown Jr. to the offensive line, yet tackle is still questionable. They kept Joe Mixon despite him coming off the worst season of his career and did nothing to improve the depth chart behind him. Irv Smith Jr. was signed after years of nothing in Minnesota. Pretty much the entire starting defensive line is up for free agency after this season as well. Nobody knows if their top corner is all the way back from knee surgery, the rest of the outside corners are unproven kids, and they let both safeties walk.
Best name on the team - Akeem Davis-Gaither. I can only assume Akeem translates roughly to ‘That guy is still here?!’
Cleveland - WHAT IS HAPPENING?! As we go through these rankings, I am increasingly convinced that the world is about to collapse into ash and doom. Cleveland and respectability go together as well as ice cream and shit. Kevin Stefanski vacillates wildly between looking like an offensive genius and looking like a guy whose game plans absolutely needed to be curtailed by Mike Zimmer. Deshaun ‘Rub n Tug’ Watson looked completely lost last year in his first game action in well over a season. Assuming he’s shaken his addiction to sexually harassing masseuses, maybe he’ll improve. They deepened the receiving corps by trading a 2nd round pick for Elijah Moore, who I honestly didn’t even remember existing until I looked him up. They also finally decided that maybe mixing Myles Garrett with three traffic cones didn’t make for a defensive line and loaded up there. It’s truly depressing that such ordinary talents as Shelby Harris and Dalvin Tomlinson represent monumental upgrades inside. Za’Darius Smith joins yet another team for whom he’ll produce for half the year before collapsing into weeks on end of bitching about his contract situation.
Best name on the team - Cameron Mitchell. Only because he makes me remember cheezy movie superstar Cameron Mitchell. Otherwise it’s Sione Takitaki.
Pittsburgh - They’re finally assembling what looks like a good offensive line just in time to block for 3 yards and nothing else from the incredibly disappointing Najee Harris. It actually baffles me that his lack of production doesn’t get more attention seeing as power running over people is supposed to be STILLER FOOTBAW. They added Allen Robinson about 3 years after he decided to stop giving the slightest of fucks. Every backup wide receiver does nothing but play special teams. Somehow they couldn’t find anyone to challenge either Mitch Trubisky or Mason Raymond for a roster spot at quarterback. They swept out the entire awful linebacker corps from last year, which is good. They then replaced them with other teams castoffs and called it a day, which is weird. They lost two of their top corners, and replaced them with the immobile statue known as Patrick Peterson, who I’m sure will hold up great while left on an island during blitz after blitz, as well as Chandon Sullivan and Desmond King. When Minnesota and Houston don’t want you on their defense, you’re truly awful. Their answer at strong safety was somehow the tandem of Keanu Neal and Damontae Kazee, last relevant and healthy about 5 years ago in Atlanta. Matt Canada stays on as offensive coordinator. The fans will probably hang him by Week 7 after another game of nothing but 3 yard dump-offs from Kenny Pickett.
Best name on the team - Gunner Olszewski. All time great name.
Baltimore - Why the fuck everyone in existence is hanging from this team’s jock, I do not know. This franchise wasted most of their offseason letting Lamar Jackson dangle in the wind because their entire negotiating strategy consisted of letting him see that the rest of the league was colluding ERRRR wasn’t interested in signing him. There was no step 2. They just stood there with their hand up their ass while all of their conference rivals signed up talent. Oh wait, they paid Nelson Agholor to drop the ball and Odell Beckham Jr. got money like he was not fresh off of multiple years spent injured and ineffective. John Harbaugh forced the wrong coordinator out the door a year ago. They’re finally rid of Greg Roman’s offense, only to replace him with Todd Monken, who has never impressed in the NFL. But he ran a great offense at Georgia, because that was hard! They brought back the same crew of running backs who never seem to add up to what’s expected of them. The defense has repeatedly drafted pass rushers high in the draft, yet can’t pressure the opposing quarterback. Their thinner group of cornerbacks is already in midseason form in terms of being savaged by injuries. Seemingly every key player is injury prone.
Best name on the team - Rock Ya-Sin. He’s not a very good cornerback, but his name is glorious.
AFC South
Jacksonville - It’s amazing what can happen when you rid yourselves of perhaps the worst coach in the history of the NFL. Doug Pederson won’t replicate the thrillride of failure that Urban Meyer did, but he brings actual competence to the role. Suddenly, Trevor Lawrence looks like he might actually be a worthy franchise quarterback. And maybe the team didn’t fuck up by using a first round pick on a running back two years ago, seeing as James Robinson’s career has absolutely flatlined. They add Calvin Ridley to the receiver room, which might have meant something two years ago. That was the one and only time that he’s looked like a #1 guy and he’s barely played more than a DraftKings parley since then. They handed a deal with term to Evan Engram, meaning he’ll stop trying to catch anything. The offensive line looks pretty bad. Not one of the numerous high picks at linebacker or edge rusher has any consistency at all. Tyson Campbell is their only good cornerback. Lucky for them, this division is atrocious. Nobody should subject themselves to AFC South football.
Best name on the team - Foyesade Oluokun. It just delights me..
Tennessee - Hoo boy. The entire team is returning from injury, which would make me more optimistic if the entire team hadn’t also been returning from injury last year. Jon Robinson’s weird obsession with overpaying injury prone veterans is gone, at least. Ryan Tannehill will try to show he still brings something to the table in a year where he’s inexplicably one of the highest paid players in the NFL. Thanks, Jon! The offensive line was basically swept out the door and wholly replaced and yet still looks rough. They brought in DeAndre Hopkins, because the track record of things working out when Tennessee acquires a veteran wide receiver is just exceptional. The whole offense will inevitably boil down to hoping Derrick Henry can remain ageless and truck 10 guys to gain 5 yards. Defensively, the return of Harold Landry should help juice the pass rush. That might help the defensive backfield not look like an unmitigated disaster. Otherwise, they wasted a small pile of top picks on bad cornerbacks. Good times in Nashville!
Best name on the team - Chigoziem Okonkwo. I’m looking forward to hearing this name a lot this year. “Okonkwo with another catch for 4 yards before the entire defense flattens him like a pancake!”
Houston - In yet another sign of the looming apocalypse, the Texans spent an offseason making what look like intelligent moves. I guess this is what happens when you no longer have the Patriots ex-Team Chaplain as your Director of Football Operations (this is not a joke. This was actually the case for years). And Demeco Ryans, one of the hottest coaching candidates around, actually chose to come here! He should hopefully get more rope than the two previous one-and-done old men who preceded him, but I’m not yet confident that the Texans are a competent enough football team for that. CJ Stroud is aboard as the (hopefully) franchise cornerstone at quarterback. They have helped him by putting together a group of wide receivers that should all be no higher than #3 on the depth chart. This seems ill advised. They had actually put together what they were hoping might be an improved line, but the left guard is already out for the year and the rookie center is hurt as well. Instead, Arizona castoff tackle Josh Jones and a 6th round pick will fill those spots. That seems fine. Defensively, I actually like their edge rush crew. The linebackers look decent. The secondary could be solid, although Derek Stingley Jr. is always going to be remembered as the pick that could have been Sauce Gardner. This fanbase will drive him out of town on a rail. Their defensive tackles haven’t been able to hold up at the point of attack for about half a decade, and I see no reason for that to change now.
Best name on the team - Teagan Quitoriano. Always ready to start a barfight in a spaghetti western.
Indianapolis - Remember last year when this fucking mess of a team thought they were contenders? That Matt Ryan throwing wounded ducks behind an awful line was going to get them to the promised land? That JEFF SATURDAY was an intelligent hire to be the replacement head coach? And their drunken disaster of an owner wanted to hire him permanently? They spent the 4th pick in the draft on Anthony Richardson, because the success of Josh Allen in Buffalo has made everyone forget the awful track record of quarterbacks with accuracy issues. They’re too stupid to realize that Jonathan Taylor actually has the leverage in their squabble with him, leaving a small set of waterboys and homeless people at running back. And they added absolutely nothing to try to improve that awful blocking from a year ago. Defensively, they’re okay at best when it comes to rushing the passer. This will pair nicely with a group of corners who may all be completely fictional people. Seriously, nobody has ever heard of any corner on this team not named Kenny Moore. Chris Ballard will be rightfully fired as GM and the pilled-up owner will replace him with whichever McDonaldland character first pops into his head when he next comes out of a stupor. I’m rooting for Grimace.
Best name on the team. Rigoberto Sanchez. He’s the punter and a crime fighting Mariachi.
AFC West
Kansas City - The Chiefs win the West. It’s basically a default setting by now. However, Chris Jones is holding out for a deserved extension, and his absence blows a giant hole in the middle of the defensive front. But I’m sure that Tershawn Wharton will completely replace the havoc that Jones wreaks, right? As if that wasn’t enough, expected starting defensive end Charles Omenihu is also out with a suspension, leaving Mike Danna to fill the spot. Suddenly this defensive line looks less resilient than single ply toilet paper. Travis Kelce has a hyperextended knee, and the wide receiver corps is counting on a giant leap from Kadarius Toney and his nonexistent work ethic. Marquez Valdes-Scantling is here to produce surprisingly little with his speed. Clyde Edwards-Helaire remains on the depth chart to haunt the front office for drafting him in the first place. Blaine Gabbert was acquired to give them the requisite ‘How does this guy keep getting work?’ backup quarterback. And Matt Nagy returns to the Andy Reid coaching tree to try to reclaim some shred of his reputation.
Best name on the team - L’Jarius Sneed. Kinda sounds like an evil Muppet.
Denver - Sean Payton is quite possibly the most overrated head coach of all time. Everyone bags on the Colts and Packers for only winning a single Super Bowl with Hall of Fame level quarterbacks, yet Sean and the Saints didn’t fair any better. I cannot wait for his reputation to finally be bruised by this roster. Russell Wilson has all of the mobility of a senior citizen with a walker. The team paid a small fortune to Mike McGlinchey, who never managed to put together two consecutive years of quality play in San Francisco. Lloyd Cushenberry exists to get caved in by nose tackles, but they brought in no competition for his spot. Half the overrated wide receivers are already injured. Javonte Williams and Garret Bolles will inevitably join them shortly. They replaced Ejiro Evero with Vance Joseph (who nobody in Denver ever wanted back) because Sean can’t stand to be surrounded with talented young coaches who might show him up. Randy Gregory is incapable of staying healthy and Frank Clark was washed two years ago. Patrick Surtain II is an absolute stud, but they need to clone him to replace the rest of their sorry cornerback room.
Best name on the team - Josey Jewell. It’s a focus-grouped rock star doll for girls who have a rebel streak! Unless we’re counting practice squaddies, in which case it is absolutely Lil’Jordan Humphrey. I swear that is the name of an actual human being.
Los Angeles - If Los Angelenos ignore the Rams, they seem to absolutely hate that this franchise even exists. If you can hate something without really thinking about it ever. The Chargers are the little brother to a very uninteresting older sibling. Nobody gives a fuck about this team. They have a quarterback with possibly the biggest arm in the league, yet they haven’t bothered to acquire any deep speed to take advantage of that arm. JC Jackson looked completely awful after being paid an exorbitant sum of money and will certainly be better coming back from a knee injury. Almost every highly paid player on this team is old and brittle. They were so capped out that they could only bring in old, slow Eric Kendricks. He’ll pair up beautifully with young, slow Kenneth Murray. The free safety retired and they seemed to forget to replace him. Joey Bosa is guaranteed to take at least two penalties that will cost this team the game. Brandon Staley is somehow back to coach this mess despite possessing no acumen whatsoever for the job. He shouldn’t be trusted with a lemonade stand. They brought in Kellen Moore to help, which doesn’t make any sense at all. Half the team has probably been felled by injury in the time it took to write this.
Best name on the team - It’s another tie. Will Clapp and Easton Stick are here, sounding like a pair of depth defensemen for a mid-tier hockey team.
Las Vegas - Josh McDaniels remains as coach because Mark Davis is too fucking broke to afford a haircut, much less paying two coaches to no longer work for him. Josh has brought in a gaggle of random ex-Patriots depth players to populate the locker room with a handful of guys who won’t laugh directly in his pudgy face. Greg Van Roten is the starting right guard, which is nothing less than a cry for help. Josh Jacobs has had exactly one good year, and none of the other backs did anything while he held out all of training camp and the preseason. They drafted a good tight end but they prefer to play Austin Hooper, who last had a good year four seasons ago in Cleveland. They swept out Derek Carr and replaced him with Jimmy Garoppolo, who is a handsomer and more injury prone Derek Carr. What a move! Chandler Jones has completely lost his mind and wants out, and he’s so bad these days that he isn’t worth anything. They drafted Tyree Wilson to take his spot only to see him fall to injury and basically get no time with the team in training camp or preseason. Every single defensive tackle here was tossed out the door by other teams, and they were last able to stop the run in about 1986. The linebackers are complete garbage. The secondary consists of flotsam and undeserved hope. The entire plan for this franchise seems to consist of treading water and not really doing anything.
Best name on the team - Maxx Crosby. That second x is carrying a lot of water here.
Playoff seeds
Kansas City
Cincinnati
Buffalo
Jacksonville
New York
Cleveland
Pittsburgh
Conference Title Game
Cincinnati over Kansas City. These two continue trading back and forth year to year.
Super Bowl game wrapped around overrated commercials and a ‘fabulous’ half time show
Philadelphia over Cincinnati. The Bengals cannot be allowed to actually win a title. It must remain forever out of their grasp.
