The pigskin apocalypse once more draws near! Hide your women and children, for the warriors of the gridiron might decide to beat the Hell out of them, and that’s totally cool so long as they don’t dare kneel while the national anthem plays. Sigh.
Oh, NFL.
And with a new contract in hand, Roger Goodell is in charge for the foreseeable future, or at least until the Cowboys get the hammer dropped on them again and Jerry Jones snaps and kills him with a caviar spoon. And in that moment, Roger will provide glorious entertainment and value for probably the first time in his entire life. So we all have that to look forward to.
On the field, some divisions are insanely closely matched. Others look more like dropping a pro team or two in with a couple of JV squads and a football team comprised of lemurs in helmets. I will be providing my commentary on each team in my usual manner, scorn laced with liberal doses of mockery.
You will also notice the use of asterisks scattered throughout this entire thing. See, the league narrative is that Colin Kaepernick can’t find a spot based purely on his play on the field. I will be marking the existence of quarterbacks on rosters who kind of disprove that ridiculous claim. Advance peek : there are A LOT of them.
On with the show!
AFC East
1. New England Patriots – Welcome to the division where competition was stabbed in the throat and left to bleed out on the pavement. A man in a gray hoodie is wanted for questioning in the death of divisional competition. Tom Brady is back and ready to continue operating as an ageless wonder who will never fade. I suspect that a close inspection of Tom’s attic would reveal a painting of an ancient version of himself that, once uncovered, would result in the real Tom disintegrating into dust before our very eyes. They added a real deep threat for the first time since Randy Moss left. They got better and faster on defense. Somehow, Belichick continues to convince the rest of the league to keep handing them talent. He’s a warlock. Julian Edelman took a break from screwing his way through the Victoria’s Secret catalogue to blow an ACL, and that’s the only negative that I can come up with. They’re always good. They look better than the team that won the title last year. Thank goodness that the rest of this sorry division exists, because there’s nothing to attack here.
2. Miami Dolphins – They decided to follow up last season’s mediocrity by handing roughly the GDP of Kuwait to such annual all pro talents as Kiko Alonso, Reshad Jones, Andre Branch and Kenny Stills (who still totally sounds like a 3rd rate country singer performing in a bar in Tuscaloosa). Their defense is utterly reliant on a defensive end in his mid 30’s with as many knee surgeries as pro bowl appearances and a defensive tackle with a penchant for stomping on people. And then their starting quarterback went down for the year. Actually, he and the faith healers apparently running the training room here finally decided that perhaps surgery would work better at fixing his knee than an offseason of prayer. But don’t fret, Fins fans! You got Jay Cutler*. Yes, a man who was retired and who only came back for 8 figures and because his wife was annoyed by his always being home. But hey, he’s gotten through about 3 games in the past 2 years without managing to pull something. This should work out great.
3. Buffalo Bills – They have no receivers after trading their only decent target for magic beans and a draft pick. They have no cornerbacks after trading their only good cover guy for a wideout that the Philadelphia Eagles didn’t want. They want their own quarterback around so little that they benched him last year in order to avoid paying him an appearance bonus. Their two best defensive linemen are either old and brittle or young and stupid. They just traded off a top pick from last year for Patti Labelle’s Greatest Hits on cassette. The new coach looks like a really annoying motivational speaker. The new GM has a long history of scouting with the Carolina Panthers, an organization noted for their ‘fantastic’ draft and development record. You’re doomed. Lucky for you, you exist in a division with the…
4. New York Jets – Holy mother of fuck. There is nobody left here who anyone has ever heard of, with the exceptional notoriety of obvious draft flop Christian Hackenberg*. He can throw a ball real hard, he just has no ability to place it anywhere near his intended target. Seriously, this guy has repeatedly beaned innocent victims on sidelines at an alarming rate. But hey, Josh McCown* will teach him how to be completely forgettable and mediocre. And Bryce Petty* is here to be the guy who the fans clamor for until they actually witness him trying to play quarterback. When your offense is lamenting the loss of Quincy Enunwa as primary target, you know you’re fucked. The line can’t block. There is no pass rush. Nobody can cover. The Jets DID get a stud safety in the draft in Jamal Adams, then turned around and totally Jets’d things up by taking ANOTHER GODDAMN SAFETY in the second round. Apparently they’ll build this one position at a time, so enjoy success somewhere around 2029. Somebody please take Matt Forte out back and Old Yeller him. He doesn’t deserve this.
AFC North
1. Pittsburgh Steelers – Here come the black and gold, ready to tell you that they’re a classy organization while protecting one raging dickhead after another. James Harrison was always a workout warrior, but he’s now magically lifting more weight than he ever did after hitting his late 30’s and coming out of retirement, so he’s obviously a product of clean living. At least he stopped beating up his girlfriend because he wanted their kid baptized. Very religious, you see. And hey, your quarterback has stopped fucking women too drunk to actually give consent or not, so that’s something. He’ll still hold the ball for an age or two waiting for a receiver to get open and get his knee caved in as a result, though. The offensive line always looks promising before half of it gets injured by Week 2 because the Steeler way apparently makes people as brittle as porcelain dolls. Martavis Bryant is still waiting to hear if he’s allowed back from yet another weed suspension, but he’ll be suspended again just as soon as he can figure out where he put his bongs. Update : He’s back! No word yet on the status of his bong collection.
2. Cincinnati Bengals – And here we have the team most bound and determined to be sent to prison as a group. Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones spent this offseason being arrested for a felony and three misdemeanors, including assaulting a security guard, head butting a cop and spitting on a nurse during booking. According to head coach Marvin Lewis, Vontaze Burfict has turned the corner on being a complete dipshit on the field. The fact that this proclamation was made AFTER Burfict had already been suspended for 5 games for a cheap shot this preseason just makes this Oh So Bengals. By the way, while Burfict got 5 games for a possible cheap shot, Jones is suspended ONE game for that list of transgressions. Yeah. Assuring the team will remain well stocked with assholes in the future , the team drafted running back Joe Mixon in the second round (despite already having two good running backs). He merely punched a woman in the face hard enough that she slammed it into a table and broke her jaw. But he’s really sorry, and showed it by trying to physically intimidate a parking attendant last year. It’s inevitable at this point that quarterback Andy Dalton will one day decide to live up to his ‘Red Rifle’ nickname, climb a watchtower with a Winchester and start picking off innocent bystanders. Oh, they also decided that offensive linemen are unnecessary.
3. Baltimore Ravens – This sad organization is just a shadow of what they used to be, both on the field and the police ledger. Joe Flacco’s back apparently doesn’t work properly any longer, which shouldn’t present a problem for a quarterback. He also has no running backs and a line which can’t block for more than half a second, which is a perfect mix for a receiving corps consisting entirely of guys who only want to run deep routes. Ryan Mallett* is the backup. I wouldn’t be confident in Ryan Mallett being able to run a lemonade stand, much less an NFL offense. The only pass rusher left is Terrell Suggs and whatever is left of his Achilles tendons. Terrell best resembles what would happen if Sloth from The Goonies was pumped full of Bane’s Venom serum. At this point, he’s just scattered bits of flesh held together with duct tape, human growth hormone and Ray Lewis’s insane prayers. None of the cornerbacks is any good, yet the team spends half their cap money on safeties.
4. Cleveland Browns – Their starting quarterback might actually be a legitimate prospect. They finally found a pass rusher. They’ve spent a fortune to assemble one of the best offensive lines in the league, which will help Deshone Kizer stay free and able to pass to…who do they have again? Oh, nobody and your drunk Uncle Joe. Awesome. These are the Browns, after all. Baby steps. Joe Haden is the best corner around, if you define good play as constantly being burnt and blaming it on everybody else. Look, I’m in a weird spot here where Cleveland is actually making sound football decisions and I don’t really know what to do. They…wait, they HIRED Ryan Grigson to help in the front office? AHAHAHA! Never mind. All is well. Update : Haden is gone! To the Steelers, who have apparently missed the fact that Joe Haden’s only skills the past 3 years have been getting hurt and whining.
AFC South
1. Houston Texans – Their home games are likely to be attended only by refugees sheltering in their stadium. Something called Tom Savage is their best quarterback, but it really doesn’t matter. They have good young receivers and they always run the ball well. And the defense is ridiculous, IF everyone stays healthy. Let’s see : it’s an odd numbered year, so Brian Cushing is due for a pec tear. Jadeveon Clowney has had one season where some part of him didn’t just explode all over the field. JJ Watt has had a hernia surgery and two separate procedures on his back in the past 18 months. Oh, and they actually had to trade away a 2nd round pick to the Browns in order to be rid of Brock Osweiler*, a quarterback so putrid that he possibly makes Mark Sanchez cry. Yet with all that being said, they probably still ‘win’ the consolation prize that is the AFC South and the chance to be slaughtered in the first round by an actually good team.
2. Tennessee Titans – Everyone is drooling all over themselves about the potential of the team, which means it’s time for an inevitable collapse. That could be due largely to a secondary that spent big on cornerback Logan Ryan, because Pats defenders always play well once they get away from Bill Belichick, his system, and his voodoo blood magic. He’ll join a 2nd year 5th round pick and a rookie known more for his kick return skills than his coverage ability. Oh, and then they grabbed a safety from Jacksonville because…I actually have no answer for this. The pass rushers are good when they’re healthy, which is approximately never. The coach was supposed to be a stop gap who the team is now stuck with because they squeezed out a miracle season last year, and the owner is clearly biding her time until she can sell the team off. Nothing equals long term success like total franchise instability. Oh, and the GM likes to get on the practice field with the players. That’s totally normal. And it doesn’t undermine the coaching staff AT ALL.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Your quarterback is Blake Bortles*, a man who can sometimes tell who his teammates are and show a rough capacity to get the ball somewhere near them. This puts him light years ahead of his predecessor, who used to close his eyes when he threw the ball. Way to ascend, Jags. Rather than addressing their need under center, or at offensive tackle, the team spent the 4th pick in the draft on a running back so utterly one dimensional that he was taken off the field on 3rd downs at the collegiate level. Stay tuned for a year or two from now when Leonard Fournette is referred to as ‘Trent Richardson : The Sequel’. They spent another 7 billion dollars on defensive players who will show as much cohesiveness as the last batch of idiots who they brought in. The owner looks like the villain in a Bollywood caper film, and is a Pakistani man who gave money to Trump’s campaign fund and was later ‘surprised’ when Donald turned out to be serious with that whole “Muslims are bad” thing.
4. Indianapolis Colts – Ding Dong, Ryan Grigson is dead! Or a Cleveland Brown, which is probably worse. Anyway, the new GM has actually spent the offseason making shrewd pickups on defense, which is weirdly competent. He’s also completely ignored the offensive line that has spent years getting Andrew Luck beaten into a giant pile of bruises, so it’s nice to see that tradition is still alive and well. Nobody knows when or if Luck will play this year after getting his throwing shoulder operated on, leaving the team in the capable hands of Scott Tolzien* (a man who seems to have a basic understanding of what a football is) and a cardboard cutout of Craig Sheffer in his role as Joe Kane in The Program. Frank Gore is the 2nd coming of Methuselah and is the only competent running back on the roster at 997 years of age. And Chuck Pagano somehow survived as the head coach, making him some sort of football cockroach who simply cannot be destroyed.
AFC West
1. Oakland Raiders – This is a team with perhaps as many as three good defensive players, and it doesn’t matter. Their running back is returning from a year spent in retirement after looking finished as anything more than a Skittles spokesman during his last season in Seattle, but it doesn’t matter. The coach seems like one of those guys who has spent his life trying and failing to be cool, and it doesn’t matter. The owner looks like an alien being trying to wear a human’s face and somewhat succeeding while getting his hair cut with a hacksaw, and it doesn’t matter. They have a legit quarterback, an elite pass rusher, good receivers and a great line. In this overrated steaming shit of a division, that’s more than enough. And the 33 fans/people avoiding their parole officers who will be in the stands before the team leaves for Vegas will love it.
2. Denver Broncos – They had previously shown interest in the QB who cannot be named until John Elway realized that as a total Trump guy that simply can’t happen. Instead, he’s rolling with Trevor Siemian*. Imagine a highly successful corporation which has continued to grow and overcome their faults. Then, that corporation’s CEO retires and is replaced by the ‘challenged’ nephew of the janitor. That’s what it must be like to cheer for the Siemian-era Broncos. Of course, Elway did draft Paxton Lynch, who continues sounding like a henchman in a bad cyberpunk thriller and throwing really hard to random places on the field. So there’s that. These two aren’t helped by a group that puts the ‘offensive’ in ‘offensive line play’, a running back being paid for 10 good games over a two year period (backed by an old, small man with no knees left), and receivers who never really live up to the billing. The defense is insanely good when Aqib Talib can keep from being arrested, stealing chains from opposing receivers, or accidentally shooting himself.
3. San Diego/Los Angeles/??? Chargers – I think they’re already in L.A., but I can’t really be bothered to confirm it. That’s the Chargers in a nutshell. Can’t be bothered. Now that Tony Romo is retired, perhaps we can focus on the fact that Philip Rivers is the actual turnover machine that Romo was touted to be. That’s what happens when you just heave the ball and hope for the best. Their top two draft picks are already toast. Their top receiver has barely played for two years because his legs keep falling apart. Their running back can’t stay healthy. I’m pretty sure that the imaginary girlfriend of Manti Te’o finished last season on injured reserve. This isn’t a pro football team so much as a MASH unit. I hope that Hawkeye Pierce can play cornerback, because somebody other than Jason Verrett (who finished last year, yep, injured) needs to.
4. Kansas City Chiefs – We’ve reached that time when it dawns on everyone on the roster that coach doesn’t just look confused a lot, he is. But the organization hasn’t figured it out, so they side with him, fire the GM and hire his stooge instead. This will obviously end well. He has apparently decided that Tyreek Hill will overnight go from gadget play playmaker extraordinaire to number one receiver. The offensive line continues to sag, but they’re paying former #1 pick Eric Fisher a boatload of money for managing to reach the level of mediocre competence. The defense is so bereft of young players that they traded for Reggie Ragland, a Doug Whaley Buffalo Bills draft pick who missed his whole rookie year with a blown ACL who was going to be cut anyway. That’s kind of like trading for polio (I don’t know what that means, but it sounds funny). Alex Smith will continue throwing three yard dump-offs to the running back of the week and tossing occasional long balls to a triple covered Travis Kelce (who will probably catch them because he’s a fucking monster).
NFC East
1. New York Giants – The NFC East used to be the division of badasses. Now they’re a collection of sick puppies just sort of lolling around on the ground and shitting themselves. That’s how the Giants manage to be the ‘best’ of this collective of parity. This in spite of the fact that their offensive tackles seem to want their own quarterback dead. And the team hasn’t had a speedy playmaking linebacker for something like fifteen years. And that they’ve decided to just keep rolling with the same group of castoffs and scrubs who have been incapable of running the ball for three years in a row. I understand patience, but this is absurd. Then again, this is the team that paid tens of millions to a defensive end based on old production after he BLEW HALF HIS HAND OFF WITH FIREWORKS. They’re loyal to a frightening degree. Oh, and most of the receivers are already injured. This is fine. Finally, they actually chose to pay money to GENO SMITH* to be the backup quarterback. Geno actually made Jets fans look back wistfully at the Mark Sanchez experience. He shows all the calm presence under pressure as every Don Knotts character ever.
2. Dallas Cowboys – Hoooo boy. Ezekiel Elliott, he of the bizarre predilection for belly shirts and of general stupidity off of the field, is suspended for five games. This in spite of the fact that seemingly everyone in the league office NOT named Roger Goodell didn’t see a basis for an actual suspension. On the one hand, I’d love to see it overturned under pressure as Roger is basically just forced to take the entirety of Jerry Jones’ cock and balls in his mouth at once. On the other hand, fuck Jerry Jones and this two bit moron running back. Dak Prescott was already going to fade from his rookie numbers simply because nobody puts up a TD to interception ratio like that year to year. I cannot wait until Tony Romo is giving analysis of the Cowboys once we see that Dak was just another Nick Foles. The grin of pure schadenfreude on his face will be delicious. Dez Bryant only catches deep balls. Jason Witten is a crumbling possession receiver with knees held together by elastic bands. The cornerbacks can’t cover a stationary tarp on the ground. The only bench depth is provided by scrawny West Texas A&M walk-ons and the lingering ghost of the ego of Jimmy Johnson. It’s a house of cards that is about to start falling.
3. Philadelphia Eagles – Everyone is all agog about Carson Wentz and his amazing ability to dump the ball off like a champ. They seem to have ignored the fact that his deep pass is about as reliable and accurate as a Scud missile. So the addition of Torrey Smith, who only wants to run deep routes because the middle of the field is scary, will work just perfectly. Alshon Jeffrey is here on a one year prove-it deal, where he’ll continue to prove unequivocally that he’s an injury prone case of bad hands who had one blip year. They failed to listen to the various Ghosts of Patriots Running Backs Past and their history of utterly failing once they leave New England, adding Legarrette Blount to no doubt fumble away at least six games. Allen Barbre is somehow still a starting guard despite his biggest accomplishment being that one time when he actually blocked a guy. The secondary is bad, even after trading for Ron Darby. And then there’s the team fight song, which is still popular despite sounding like something written in an age when black men could be legally horse whipped for looking at a white woman. These people booed Santa and throw batteries at everyone, but they love that aged ditty. They deserve losing records forever.
4. Washington Redskins – Yep, they’re still called that. Probably always will be. For that alone they really do deserve to just be complete and utter shit. They fired their GM under bizarre claims that he was a drunk, claims which nobody actually believes. They have completely and utterly fucked up negotiations with their quarterback to a degree which has never previously been witnessed. He actually has the leverage over the team, and I hope that he uses every bit of it to exploit Daniel ‘Shitbag’ Snyder for every cent he can bleed from him. They still possess no running backs, and their receivers are all kids and converted quarterbacks. They’re paying huge money to Josh Norman to show everyone what happens when a system cornerback leaves the system that made him successful. This team is so utterly dull that I can’t even come up with any real lines for them. They aren’t even funny bad.
NFC North
1. Green Bay Packers – Home of Ted Thompson, the most overrated General Manager in sports history. This team constantly heads into every season filled with holes, Aaron Rodgers goes all sherpa and carries them to a conference title game appearance, and then they get their ass kicked by a team that’s actually complete. They FINALLY addressed the need for a tight end that has existed since Jermichael Finley was forced to retire FIVE YEARS AGO. Ted really strikes while the iron is hot. Any season now he’ll maybe notice that the inside linebackers contribute as many plays per year as a pair of pylons. Their number one running back started last season as a wide receiver. The whole interior of the line from two years ago is gone because Ted couldn’t be bothered. They may now be starting Flotsam and Jetsam at two of those positions. Who knows? Nobody knows! It’s Rodgers and pile of nameless schmucks out there while the cheesehead dipshits in the stands get fatter and convince themselves that their stupid team shares mean anything! I can only conclude that Rodgers owes Ted money, and this is how Ted gets his revenge. Or he was attacked by a Hydra and won’t be waking up for another 994 years, and nobody’s noticed. Holy shit, the Hydra hid behind a plant!
2. Minnesota Vikings – The Vikings have moved on from Adrian Petersen, so they’ll have to find someone else to beat their kids with sticks and complain about not getting the ball enough in an offense built around him. They decided to fix their offensive line by dumping Matt Kalil and replacing him with Mike Remmers. That’s like being cured of syphilis by attacking it with an aggressive strain of gonorrhea. Remmers has spent the past few years trying his hardest to get Cam Newton shattered into pieces, so that’s just perfect when your QB has all the resilience of a china doll. Riley Reiff gets to play left tackle, so that’s two ways that Sam Bradford will die. They spent 80+ million dollars and somehow ended up basically breaking even with one of the worst offensive lines in league history a year ago. They signed Case Keenum* to back Bradford up, so you’re in good hands…if you want those hands to keep handing the ball to the other team. The defense has an absurd level of talent and speed, but they’ll need all of it because they’re losing every game in which they give up more than ten points.
3. Chicago Bears – Let’s pay a ton of money to a guy known less for his quarterback skills and more for his gargantuan neck! I swear that photo is in-altered. The man is a giraffe. Then we’ll make a ridiculous draft day deal to move up and overdraft a kid with 13 starts in college! Yeah! That’s the ticket! And then we’ll sign Mark Sanchez* to complete this triple layer cake of raw sewage and failure! They’ll collectively be throwing to a receiving corps that is the Island of Misfit Toys that no other teams wanted anymore. The front seven of the defense has finally been adapted to fit the 3-4 scheme, but the secondary is beyond putrid. For chrissakes, BOTH of their potential kickers were tossed aside by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team that is to special teams play what Myanmar is to human rights. Update : Connor Barth has won this battle of the titans and will be the chosen winner to miss a lot of kicks for the Bears. John Fox is that lovable drunk uncle who has no real business being involved in anything professional, much less running a pro football team.
4. Detroit Lions – Oh boy! Matthew Stafford is the highest paid man in the NFL. This guy. He looks like a frat boy who never really grew up, and who never quite shook off the baby fat. I guarantee you that this man regularly spouts lines like : “Dude, we are gonna smash SO MUCH PUSS after the game!” He’ll spend sixteen games chucking it deep and trying not to die now that Taylor Decker is out for a least half the year. Never fear, Greg Robinson is here! He’s the poster boy for just how little the Rams got out of all those draft picks Washington sent them to ruin Robert Griffin III’s knees. And the defense. Yeah, the defense really doesn’t exist. It’s like the Lions have utterly forgotten about the times in a football game when the other team actually has the ball. They have almost nothing that could stop a Pop Warner offense. Three or four talented players surrounded by a mess that would have to ascend to reach the highs of total mediocrity.
NFC South
1. Atlanta Falcons – Hi there, and thank you for coming in to look at our Atlanta Falcons today. Just step around that pile of shattered confidence lying all over the lawn and we’ll take a tour of the place. As you can see, the roster is loaded with young talent who now have experience. Sure, the most recent aspect of that experience is being on the wrong end of a record Super Bowl comeback, but that still counts for something! They lost nothing of note in the offseason, unless we’re talking about an offensive co-ordinator who is suddenly being treated like a genius after years of only getting jobs because of daddy’s name. They upgraded the defensive front with a top pick pass rusher and Dontari Poe, who is on a one year deal that should keep him from eating his way out of the league for at least this season. And Desmond Trufant is back! That’s right, they were without one of the better corners in the league for that soul crushing loss which might have broken the team’s emotional back, but at least he should be okay, right? The screams? Oh, that’s just Matt Ryan living a nightmare which he can’t awaken from.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Jameis Winston has developed into one of the better quarterbacks in the league, except when he makes completely inexplicable mistakes while under pressure. Oh, and he’s gained a newfound maturity to help us get past that whole ‘probably raped a girl in college but the local police department helped cover it up’ thing. So that’s great. But wait, it’s okay! Ryan Fitzpatrick* is here to provide ‘veteran leadership’ and for TV announcers to remind us 15 times per game that he went to Harvard. If his overall intelligence is anything like his ability to read a defense, that school’s pedigree is becoming less impressive by the day. Doug Martin is back for some reason. He’s had two good seasons in five years in the NFL and been popped for steroids which voided all his guaranteed money. Yeah, we have a developing young team, so let’s bring this waste of a jersey back, sure! The receiving corps is good, both lines are good, the linebackers are stupid fast. But I can’t help but keep coming back to the fact that Chris Conte and Keith Tandy are still starting safeties on a pro football team in 2017. It’s so quaint that it makes you smile and shake your head a bit. That would be like finding out that one of the hottest areas of employment growth in Tampa is chimney sweep.
3. Carolina Panthers – Or, as the statue out front of the stadium might lead you to believe, the Carolina Crusty White Men. While most teams have a statue of a great former player out front of their building, the Panthers have one of their humorless cunt of an owner. Fantastic. And fitting for a fan base that spends most of their time whining about Cam Newton not playing football ‘the right way’. It’s hard to play it ANY way when your idea of upgrading the blocking is handing a multi-year deal to Matt Kalil, who had a great rookie season about a thousand years ago and then forgot how to block. Also, supposed #1 receiver Kelvin Benjamin got fat. Great. The defense spent the offseason bringing back wheezing former players. I can’t wait to see midget Captain Munnerlyn try to match up with any of the giant slot receivers in this division and be devoured. Like literally eaten as a snack. And then there’s the front office! Jerry Richardson fired the GM for pretty much being too business like and smart. His replacement? Marty Hurney. That’s the guy the fired GM was hired TO REPLACE IN THE FIRST PLACE because he was an incompetent fuck knob who screwed up the team’s cap situation! Oh, wonderful! Cap’s fixed, so let’s bring back Hurney to break it again. Shrewd plan. This is about what you’d expect from a man busy literally erecting false idols OF HIMSELF.
4. New Orleans Saints – Can we maybe demand that the league pass an emergency mandate requiring this team to get Drew Brees the fuck out of here? I mean, I find him and his whining and his horrible Z-Grade commercials as annoying as the next guy, but this is just sad. Am I the only one who found him a little too polished and practiced at sneaking into someone’s bedroom at night without making any sound? This franchise spent the offseason shitting all over themselves, because that’s what they do. One championship does not erase the pathetic history of a team that took 20 years of existence to reach their first winning season. It’s especially hard to accomplish anything when Mickey Loomis is running the show. Most people wouldn’t entrust a grown man named Mickey with anything but a minor underground bookmaking operation. There’s a reason for that. They traded their best big play receiver away for a four leaf clover. Now Willie Snead is out three games on a suspension, meaning the team is stuck leaning on…sigh…Ted Ginn Junior. Seriously, this idiot’s continued employment proves that Al Davis wasn’t any dumber than any other GM when it comes to over-valuing speed. They addressed their horrendous front seven with another slow linebacker in the form of Manti Te’o. I hope that he brought the ghost of Lennay Kekua with him and she can play defensive tackle, because Nick Fairley’s career might be over and they have nobody else. Yes, I’m going back to the Manti fake girlfriend well. It’s a great well. They finally got Mark Ingram going as their back, then ruined it by signing a likely finished Adrian Peterson, who can’t do anything on passing downs for a team that throws fifty times a game.
NFC West
1. Seattle Seahawks – I HATE THIS FUCKING TEAM. Let me again remind you that these shitbags brought neon fucking green back into the public consciousness. And I especially despise Russell Wilson. The man is a shiny advertising robot masquerading as a real human being. That’s why I love the fact that the front office is trying to make him die. It’s the only explanation for the line they’ve put in front of him. You could replace those guys with piles of sandbags and get better pass protection. For fuck’s sake, they’re so bad that they’re lamenting the season ending injury to George Fant and I have no idea who or what in the fuck that even is! It sounds like an alias for someone in the Witness Protection Program! Luke Joeckel was actually signed by this team. That’s just a cry for help. There will also be no running room for any of the backs on the roster, so every defense will just tee off on good ol’ Russell. Good. Hit him. Lots. On defense, they actually got better by adding Sheldon Richardson in a trade with the Jets. Unfortunately, he can’t play cornerback. The team is stuck with Richard Sherman (who also seems to hate Russell Wilson) because if they lose him they’re starting that sad dude from down the block who just drinks beer and mutters under his breath about what could have been. Blair Walsh is here to kick and miss every single important extra point and field goal until he’s inevitably released.
2. Arizona Cardinals – Remember how going in to last season everyone was saying this was a Super Bowl team? What a difference a year makes. The offensive line is injury prone and not particularly good when healthy. That supposedly deep receiving corps consists of increasingly old Larry Fitzgerald and half a season of production before it’s time for his nap, and whatever other wideout decides to drop half a dozen passes that particular week. Carson Palmer SHOCKINGLY fell from his career year to the interception machine with a case of the yips that we all know and love. The defense lost 5 starters and is far too reliant on an undersized free safety with more knee surgeries to his name than your aged grandmother. Karlos Dansby is back…again. Josh Mauro, Frostee Rucker and Tramon Williams are not people who should be starting for a team with a chance. Oh, never mind. They aren’t. There is no hope here. Only a loudmouth coach who is rapidly being exposed as a fraud in a kangol hat. Bruce Arians has the beard of a homeless man and believes that BLAINE GABBERT* has potential. BLAINE GABBERT. Blaine Gabbert’s mother has given up by now! “Honey, I think it’s time to stop playing quarterback and find a job and meet a nice girl.” On the other hand, David Johnson is a tank in human clothing. So the team has that going for them.
3. Los Angeles Rams – Hey, it’s the other team in L.A. that residents are already ignoring! So glad that we uprooted two franchises for this city that does not give a flying fuck about football. I’m sure that the 63 people who accidentally wander into the stadium will thrill to the sight of Jared Goff. This is a kid who couldn’t beat out Case Keenum for the quarterback job. That’s a number one pick being benched in favor of a guy with less athletic potential than the fucking water boy. Todd Gurley also looked like a draft bust, but might fare better behind an upgraded offensive line. At least, an upgraded line until everyone gets hurt again. I swear the Rams have drawn a gypsy curse against the health of their blockers. Only here would John Sullivan, who basically didn’t play football for two years thanks to a shattered knee, actually be a significant upgrade in both ability and durability. The good news : they traded for Buffalo’s only decent receiver, Sammy Watkins. The bad news : they also brought in his running mate, Robert Woods. The worse news : Tavon Austin is still here. Tavon is like the little brother that the team has to let make believe that he’s a real wide receiver or mom will be pissed off and withhold their cake after dinner. The defense will be ferocious under badass grandpa Wade Phillips. Well, it would be, but Aaron Donald is still demanding to be paid according to his talent. That would unfortunately cost the team about half a billion dollars. Their best cornerback is Janoris Jenkins, but they let him sign with the Giants last year and kept the other guy instead. Classic Rams.
4. San Francisco 49’ers – Let’s see. First, we’ll bring in an ex-player TV analyst with no management experience to be the general manager. Then we’ll hire Kyle Shanahan to be the coach. Kyle had forever been known as Mike Shanahan’s kid and an overrated dumbass riding daddy’s coattails to one job after another (which is fitting since his dad was also an overrated dumbass who rode John Elway’s coattails to one job after another). Then the Falcons caught fire last year and for some reason Kyle got all the credit. Next, we’ll sign Brian Hoyer* to play quarterback. Hoyer has got to be on the last of the nine lives that every shitty veteran quarterback gets when they enter the league. Carlos Hyde is here to be talked about as having great potential while being destroyed behind a pathetic offensive line. The team wants people to get excited about new receivers Aldrick Robinson and Marquise Goodwin. That’s like expressing actual joy that what you thought was herpes turned out to merely be a case of genital warts. But hey, they handed a $10.3 million signing bonus to A BLOCKING FULLBACK. Because that makes a lick of fucking sense. They have some promising young talent in the front seven of the defense, but every single cornerback on this roster should be practicing how to ask people if they want fries with that.
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