2016 AFC Picks

Let us begin on part 2 of the season preview...and my Super Bowl pick, because everyone is all kinds of eager to know who I'm picking. After all, I'm nobody, goddammit!

East

1. New England - This team is a zombie. It just keeps coming. It can't die because it's already dead. The great sorcerer Belichick keeps them undead and running through dark magic and hoodies. You can't survive! Run now, children! Save yourselves!

Actually, they're a deeply flawed team lucky enough to play in a division filled with mouth-breathing prehistoric cavemen incapable of making good football decisions. They won't have Brady for 4 games thanks to his finally being suspended from a scandal filled with douchebags on every side and that JUST WOULDN'T FUCKING END. Again, they have gaping holes all over the place, but nobody says anything because Belichick. 

This team is so bad at developing receivers that they keep overpaying the also-rans from other teams. The trouble is that they keep expecting the next Moss and Welker but keep signing guys who aren't talented. I'm sure that Chris Hogan won't just be another Danny Amendola! Half the defense is in a contract year. Malcolm Butler is the only good cornerback. And Sebastian Vollmer is already out for the year...and this line was so ghastly a year ago that they dragged Dante Scarnecchia out of a nursing home because an old coach can totally replace actually having talent, right?

2. New York Jets - They finally brought back Ryan Fitzxpatrick after an obnoxious summer of the team pretending they didn't need him and him pretending that he had options. It left everyone looking like unlikable toolbags. Considering that nobody had more dropped interceptions a year ago than Fitzpatrick, I'm sure that he won't just turn into an overpaid turnover machine this season. Their left tackle retired, and they replaced him with Ryan Clady. You might have thought Clady retired years ago, but he's just been injured on a consistent and constant basis.

Already starting to be burned by paying Darrelle Revis elite money after he left his prime years behind, the Jets learned nothing. Instead, they spent big on a running back who's even older and has a thousand times more wear on his legs. 

They have a small pile of talented defensive lineman but remain wed to a 3-4 defensive front despite not having any outside linebackers worth a damn. They actually spent a 2nd round pick on Christian Hackenburg, a 'quarterback' who can't make reads and can't accurately throw a pass. This wasn't even that surprising.

3. Buffalo - Rex Ryan is an overrated loudmouth who took a great defense and used his supposed genius to make it average. Now his fatter, dumber and less talented brother is here to help Rex drop that defensive ranking all the way to crap. They have a very good chance of succeeding with this weird plan that makes no sense.

Marcell Dareus has entered rehab and might not play all year. Mario Williams is gone. Jerry Hughes will now actually face blocking attention and quickly remind everyone that he's terrible when anyone is actually available to block him. The pass rush seems nonexistent.

Offensively, Karlos Williams was released after managing to be massively overweight while also struggling with a drug problem. That's amazing. LeSean McCoy is an asshole who can't stay healthy. The #2 receiver job may as well be handed out to a different 'lucky fan' every week. EJ Manuel is somehow still on this roster.

4. Miami - Ryan Tannehill was apparently a pretty promising receiver in college. The problem is that he's the starting quarterback. Great at running, not so good at reading where his receivers will run. And that's too bad because they actually have some good receivers. What they don't have is a running back after inexplicably refusing to keep handing Lamar Miller the ball whenever he'd have success. Now they have Arian Foster. Remember when Foster was a monster running back? That was two healthy legs ago. 

The defense is reliant on an old Cam Wake coming off of an Achilles tear, a fading Mario Williams still giving a damn, and Ndamakong Suh actually playing like he gives a shit while tying up so much cap space that the team can't afford to add any talent anywhere else. They have no defensive backs. Their middle linebacker is a pass rusher playing out of position. The owner is a gloryhound attention whore who keeps selling tiny shares of the franchise to has-been celebrities in a sad attempt to get someone to look at him for 5 seconds. The Everglades need to swamp this entire franchise and have it devoured by mutant gators.

North

1. Pittsburgh - Let's talk about what a hypocritical shit fuck this franchise is. Sure, the Bengals lost their minds and blew up like the angry manchildren they are in that playoff debacle last year against the Steelers. But let's not forget Pittsburgh's meathead coaching staff inexplicably on the field, pulling dreads and shit talking. And before Vontaze Burfict decided to try to kill Antonio Brown, Ryan Shazier attempted to permanently paralyze Gio Bernard but then avoided a penalty because STEELERSARECLASSY.

Then again, this same team came out very publicly in defense of James Harrison years ago when he was accused of beating and threatening his girlfriend. And they did so AFTER he had admitted to everything on the stand. Why? Because, in the words of the owner, he was fighting to try to get his kid baptized and that's a good thing. The Harrison revival tour continues. I'm sure that his amazing comeback at an advanced age is totally natural and not boosted by anything...

The quarterback finally seems to have figured out that passed out doesn't mean "yes", so yay for progress? Le'Veon Bell is yet again suspended because he can't put the bong down, and he's also coming back from a shredded knee. Antonio Brown is awesome, but the rest of the team is far too easy to hate. They keep drafting linebackers in the first round and end up disappointed. I hope that never ends. Fuck this franchise.

I also love the disgusted look of every player when they have to wear those revolting bumble bee throwback uniforms. I hope they go back to those full time.

2. Cincinnati - Was anyone surprised to see this team implode in the playoffs a year ago? Relying on Pacman Jones to remain rational is like counting on a ravenous leopard to not try to eat you. They've drafted cornerbacks in the first round of the draft for the last 23 years and yet still start the man who gifted our culture 'making it rain'. Vontaze Burfict fell in the draft because he's a bundle of rage, and now he's suspended for being a bundle of rage. Nobody but the Bengals is surprised.

AJ Green is one of the best receivers in the game, and Tyler Eifert looks like the real deal. The problem is everywhere else. Secondary receivers are all question marks. Jeremy Hill would be a tremendous running back if you don't mind a guy who secures the ball like his hands have been permanently slathered in rendered fat. Bernard might be ready to go if he can remember who he is after Shazier tried to knock his brain out of his skull.

Somehow, Marvin Lewis remains in charge of this impending disaster. It's like coaching this team is his right by blood and none can take it from him. Of course, when the alternative is any other schmuck hired by Mike Brown, Lewis might be the lesser of two evils.

3. Baltimore - Ladies and gentlemen, the Ravens remain the most easily detestable football team in existence! Never before has a roster embraced conspiracy theories about the league being out to get them like the Ravens have many times in the past. Ray Rice knocked his girlfriend unconscious and the entire team and the fans moaned about his suspension. Terrell Suggs has done much worse, but video doesn't exist of his grabbing his girlfriend by the hair through the driver's side window of his car and then stepping on the gas, so who cares right? He also looks like Sloth from the Goonies.

Let's take a look at the receiving corps : Steve Smith is ancient and coming back from a torn Achilles. Breshad Perriman has yet to play a snap and is coming back from knee surgery. Mike Wallace failed his physical, and fails to run any pass route that isn't a fly. They released and re-signed their sub 200 pound 30 year old runner within the same week even though he's had one burst of success and that happened two years ago. That's also when they had a pretty good offensive line, and the whole left side of that line is now gone. And Joe Flacco is the most overpaid unibrow in the history of sports. Dude looks positively cro magnon. He might actually be the missing link.

4. Cleveland - I don't even know what to say here. Mocking the Browns just feels cruel. Life has already done enough damage. Do I really need to pile on?

The owner was convicted of massive fraud, much like this team continues to commit fraud every time they charge fans money to watch 'competitive football'. At quarterback is an exciting choice of two different guys trying to return to a brief spurt of glory that happened years ago. The best receiver hasn't played football for approximately 73 million bong hits. 

They went into the offseason talking about keeping their young core free agents, then watched all of them leave after they jerked one of them around with stupid contract tactics when they had no leverage. The only people who believe in Joe Haden's greatness are Joe and possibly his mom. There is no hope. There is nothing to build on. The Cleveland Browns are a wasteland where nothing can grow.

South

1. Jacksonville - I can't actually believe that I'm typing this, but here it is. When you spend as much money as the Jags have this offseason, you damn well better win something. Jacksonville spent money with more reckless abandon than your average Kardashian.

They actually seem to have drafted an impressive troupe of receivers. Now if Blake Bortles can start figuring out that he should try to limit his completions to the guys wearing the same uniform that he has on, things should go well. And they handed a lucrative deal to runner Chris Ivory, because pure power backs who initiate contact always have long careers and earn every cent of those deals. The shiny new left tackle blew his knee out last year, but even if he was still hobbling on one leg would represent an impressive upgrade from top draft bust Luke Joeckel. 

Defensively, the Jags continue their recent run of either drafting guys recovering from knee injuries or having them blow an ACL seemingly as soon as the pick is in. Prince Amukamara was picked up on a one year deal to confuse people who think he's a member of Nigerian royalty here to deliver their promised billions in treasury dollars.

2. Houston - Oh, Texans. Finally realizing what everyone else knew...Brian Hoyer isn't a starter and Ryan Mallett has a future only as a neighborhood meth dealer...Houston went big to get Brock Osweiler. Like, crazy big. They bid against themselves like the Redskins used to do and handed 37 million guaranteed to a man whose best trait as a quarterback thus far is being tall.

Looking for a bookend for the awesome DeAndre Hopkins, they drafted a man who drew comparisons to Ted Ginn. That's like deciding that the answer to your need for a smart financial plan is hiring someone who has never seen money before.

Of course, JJ Watt is still here. He had quite the meat-head offseason. While Houston authorities were urging people to stay home during flooding this summer to avoid hindering emergency rescue efforts, there was JJ sharing photos of himself arriving at the team facility because he doesn't take a day off. He also had to have a second back surgery earlier this summer. I'm sure the issues remaining from the first one had nothing to do with his performing high stack box jumps just weeks after it was performed. Truly a fucking scholar. In the time it has taken you to read this, Brian Cushing has likely had three different joints explode.

3. Indianapolis - Hey everyone, the Colts actually spent resources on offensive linemen! They decided that putting blocking in place might be a better plan for keeping Andrew Luck on the field than just relying on his neanderthal toughness. Hallelujah, tis truly a miracle.

Of course, their only real rushing threat is still Frank Gore. Football's own version of Methuselah is hoping to put up a solid campaign for the 29th consecutive year. Frank Gore is some sort of Terminator sent back in time to  consistently put up solid, not spectacular, numbers. The receiving corps comprises a wide array of fast midgets, and Dwayne Allen is always ready to collapse from injury.

Defensively, they still have a great corner in Vontae Davis and absolutely nobody else who can cover. The linebackers remain mediocre. The pass rush is still entirely dependent on a 35 year old returning from a ruptured Achilles. Chuck Pagano is still here to call gimmick plays and have them run by players who haven't been told exactly what to do. And the GM looks like one of the 'rich kid bad guy'  characters from a late 80's ski movie. They both kept their jobs because the owner is a pill popping drunk. The motto of this franchise : One step forward, three hundred steps in place without moving in any direction at all.

4. Tennessee - The past few years, my loyalty has shifted from the Jags back to this team. The team that stomped all over my heart in the early 90's as the annually doomed Houston Oilers. The team that tried desperately to remove any excitement from Steve McNair's game by trapping him in the most obnoxiously boring offense ever created. The team that gave the NFL the Dullmaster himself, Jeff Fisher.

And what's not to love? They have a promising young quarterback in Marcus Mariota. They have a decent young line in front of him, and Kendall Wright has had success catching passes in previous seasons. Jurrell Casey might be the most underrated defensive lineman in football. The pass rush is decent.

Every single 2nd round pick from the previous 3 drafts is either released or traded for table scraps because they were fucking horrible. The team doubled down on plodding power runners because they employ Mike Mularkey as a head coach, and he thinks that something called 'Exotic Smashmouth' will work in 2016. The pass rush is entirely dependent on two players whose knees are held together by packing tape and hope. The average age of the coaches on this team is 93, and most of them don't seem to realize that the forward pass is actually a legal play.

Why do I hate myself?

West

1. Oakland - Someone get Darth Raider on the phone because his team of lovable outcasts is actually...good? And just in time for the franchise to attempt to move to any city that might fill the stands with people who don't seem to collect arrest warrants like they're in a competition. If you have a stadium, Mark Davis will totally fly to your city and terrify your children by making public appearances.

Derek Carr seems to have inherited all of the actual talent that his older brother had beaten out of him in the early days of the Texans franchise. Amari Cooper offers a legitimate franchise-type receiver for Carr to rely on. Michael Crabtree is here to drop passes in the most crucial of situations. Rumors of tight ends actually living on the roster have yet to be proven.

The offensive line looks potentially dominant, aside from the possibility of still starting Donald Penn in a league that isn't for senior citizens. Khalil Mack has already sacked your favorite team's quarterback 4 times and the season hasn't even started yet. And Sean Smith will try to distract you from the collection of draft flops and awful signings who fill the rest of the secondary.

2. Denver - I realize that winning a Super Bowl on the shoulders of a mummified Peyton Manning and professional tall guy Brock Osweiler can make a team cocky. But, Trevor Siemien? Really? Are the Broncos just trying to lose now? Are John Elway's front teeth now running the front office here? Oh, but he prepares as well as Manning did. So he wakes up at 5 in the morning, watches Matlock, has a nap, enjoys some Metamucil, forgets where he left his cane, and wonders aloud why his great grandchildren don't visit?

CJ Anderson is yet again being anointed a great back after managing to string together about 7 decent games in a row. I'm sure that this time he won't quickly balloon up like diners at an All You Can Eat buffet, especially not after signing an insanely lucrative deal. Demaryius Thomas seemingly forgot how to catch after his mom got out of prison (that isn't even a joke...that's just a statement of fact). They did manage to convince Russell Okung that signing for no guaranteed money is a good idea. Of course, he seems to have convinced Denver that they'll get more than 3 games out of him before his back once again falls apart.

The defense looks spectacular, Aqib Talib's firearms safety habits aside.

3. Kansas City - The starting running back isn't healthy, but every guy who took hand-offs in this offense spent the entire season racking up big yards, so it hardly matters. Dick Cheney would be a weekly hundred yard threat playing running back for the Chiefs. Jeremy Maclin and Travis Kelce remain a dangerous receiving duo. Jason Avant remains the disappointing third member if the starting corps because KC seems to have forgotten to try to improve. 

They spent ginormous money ensuring that first pick disappointment Luke Fisher can continue to not live up to expectations as the starting left tackle. That, combined with inexplicably re-signing all of their old linebackers, meant that no money was left to extend Eric Berry long term. Keeping a flop and some dudes right on the precipice of losing their effectiveness makes more sense than  a long term deal with probably the best strong safety in the sport, right? Every corner being counted on to replace Sean Smith failed when given chances last year. The team's best pass rusher might play this year sometime thanks to offseason injury.

Don't worry, though...Andy Reid is still here to look bewildered and astound with his horrible clock management skills. The next time that Reid calls a sensible timeout will be the first.

4. San Diego - Ladies and gentlemen, your San Diego But Really Want to be Los Angeles Chargers! Oh how they tried to move. Now they're all in on staying put...unless they can move, though every other owner in the league seems as bored of their antics as the few remaining fans do.

Professional douchebag Philip Rivers is still here. They added pure deep threat Travis Benjamin, which makes sense since they now throw short to mid range passes and let the receivers  make yards after the catch...things that he doesn't do well. Melvin Gordon will be the running back until he's hurt again, which is probably happening right about now. It doesn't matter when you read this, odds are even that Melvin Gordon is injured. It's as inevitable as the day-night cycle. King Dunlap is still the starting left tackle, which is pretty much the football equivalent of waving a white flag. One of the 37 centers who played last year will start this one, or they'll sew them all together like some pigskin human centipede that might be more than the sum if its parts and manage to stay healthy.

Defensively...actually, they don't do defense. This team starts a pair of corners under 5 foot 10. These oompah loompahs are no longer backed up by Eric Weddle, since the team spent all of last season weirdly ostracizing their only good defender. Corey Liuget is paid like a great defender while totally living up to being average.

Super Bowl Pick - Honestly? I really don't know. I suppose Arizona makes the most sense on paper. But for the first time in my life, I WANT New England to win. I want Roger Goodell to be stuck handing the trophy to that team. I want him to have to pretend to be happy while awarding Tom Brady the MVP. Fuck Roger Goodell.