East
1. Washington - I cannot believe that I am picking this racist, awful, garbage franchise to repeat in first. But they are the most impressive of the not at all impressive collections of flotsam that make up this putrid division. No running game, still no interior line and not a single safety who should have advanced beyond the Pop Warner level, yet they're the best. The next person who keeps alive the myth of the NFC East being awesome needs to be stabbed in the face with a broken beer bottle.
And enough about Desean Jackson. He runs really fast and occasionally catches a ball when he feels like it. He's Ted Ginn Jr., only people is ... yours
2. New York Giants - Let's fire the head coach but shitter
The fact that they're way too reliant on a receiver who has missed 2 years with an injured everything is pretty much the defining statement for how broken this roster is. Janoris Jenkins is an average cornerback now paid more per year than Burkina Faso makes as a nation because this team is incapable of developing anybody on defense. They spent like drunken idiots to end up at average, and they still don't seem to understand that linebackers and offensive linemen are important.
3. Dallas - It's okay that Tony Romo broke his back (again) because Dak Prescott is here. Yes, obviously a mid round pick who tore up other team's backups and early cuts in the preseason
Do you know why teams invest in building a great offensive line? So they don't need to draft a running back 4th overall to get yards on the ground. Yet these clowns still did. They still don't have a cornerback who could cover a double amputee receiver with no legs, and half the front seven is suspended for offseason
4. Philadelphia - Holy shit is this a bad team. They somehow managed to turn Sam Bradford into meaningful picks, but I have no doubt that they'll spend those on a bag of magic beans. And they still put themselves in the position where they were paying 3 guys to be starters at a position only one can occupy in the first place. Amazingly, they did so without one of the options actually being good.
And since Carson Wentz won that starter lottery, let's take a look at his prize! A bunch of aged and injury-prone running backs, no receivers with proven consistency, and an offensive line that might well see improvement if they replaced the starters with 5 random fat dudes from Oklahoma. Defense? What's that? Should we have spent some of that QB money on help for Fletcher Cox?
North
1. Green Bay - This looked like a competitive division before Teddy Bridgewater tore his knee apart. Now the Packers are likely winning by default. Fuck knows they aren't actually trying to get better, but they'll coast to another division title before once more being lambasted in the playoffs by a team that actually assembles an entire roster.
Seemingly just now realizing that Jermichael Finley retired years ago, they signed his replacement in Jared Cook. A man who is more than capable of running very fast and getting open, then disappointing everyone and getting into disputes with his teammates over just how much he sucks. They cut their best offensive lineman because reasons. Their ground game is once again dependent on a fat guy staying in shape, and their passing game needs a receiver north of 30 to recover immediately from a knee injury because everyone else sucked when he missed last year. Again, no additions to the defense. BJ Raji stepped away because he was bored and nobody really noticed anyway because his biggest achievement the past few seasons likely revolved around winning an eating competition.
The only explanation for this annual lack of improvement is that the team hates Aaron Rodgers and wants to waste the rest of his career. So, good job?
2. Minnesota - Following the season-ending injury suffered by Teddy Bridgewater (an adult still going by Teddy...), they actually traded top picks for SAM BRADFORD. In 2016! Seriously, is he THAT much better than Shaun Hill would have been?! If so, Hill should immediately be cut for being possibly the worst quarterback of all time.
Their running back never really did understand why beating his toddler bloody with a stick was a bad thing. And he's hitting that age where one year he just won't have anything left. Their offensive line is a collection of failures and roster cuts made by other teams. The defense needs to score 21 points a game for this team to win. They might actually be capable of that, because they're awesome. Anthony Barr is a monster in the making.
3. Chicago - For every positive, there's a glaring negative to take the air out of the balloon. The front 7 has a rotation of guys at every position and should put a ton of heat on the opposing quarterback. They need to because they have one of the worst defensive backfields in the game.
The offensive line looks improved, and it was decent last year. Of course, every receiver is either coming back from an injury or is Eddie Royal. The running back corps is loaded with young guys who can get yards. The quarterback is still professional sad sack Jay Cutler. If this were a moping competition, he wins hands down. But it's football, and Adam Gase is off to Miami... he would rather coach the Dolphins for 2 years of mediocrity before getting fired than deal with Cutler for another season. I don't blame him.
4. Detroit - Hey, let's fire Matt Millen but let Millen's assistant and hand-picked successor run the show! What could go wrong? Years later, this is where we are.
Megatron got tired of having his career wasted by this garbage franchise and his health chipped away by Matt Stafford's inaccurate long bombs and hung up his cleats. For a replacement, they spent a fortune bringing in Marvin Jones. He's a great #1 receiver if you don't care about consistency or good health. The tight end is Eric Ebron who is really, totally going to break out this season for real. Or something. Stafford remains pudgy and overrated. How can anyone take a fat quarterback seriously?
Defensively... yeah. A few decent players in a roiling sea of mediocrity and worse. So many bad picks. So much awful.
South
1. Carolina - Default! Default! They win this thing because these teams are unbelievably bad. Professional whores could learn a thing or two about sucking from the teams of the NFC South.
Let's see, they have Cam. They actually have enough good receivers healthy that children should be safe from repeated exposure to Ted Ginn or Jerricho Cotchery in a starting lineup. Greg Olsen is good. Jonathan Stewart was healthy for the first time in about 6 years last season, and that's sure to repeat for a running back North of 30 who plays a physical style... right? His backup is a grown man named Fozzy.
Last year, Michael Oher looked like a legit left tackle in a schedule largely bereft of good edge rushers. This year, he'll once again be exposed as an overrated feel good story. The defensive front seven is terrifying. The secondary is terrifying to the Panthers and their fans.
2. Atlanta - How the Hell does Matt Ryan merit all of the press and the nickname? What has he ever really done? And yet every Falcons TV appearance (and there are far too many of them) is all about MATTY ICE. I am rapidly beginning to loathe him. Is anything worse than a guy who gets a nickname that makes no sense and won't go away?
Actually, there is something worse. It's called the Atlanta pass rush. What did they do about it this offseason ? Nothing! Apparently they believe that improvement from their horrible existing players will get the job done. That's like deciding that the best thing to do about that sucking chest wound is to just give it time to heal on its own.
They did spend some money... on Mohammad Sanu. He was last seen being incapable of taking time from Marvin Jones in Cincy despite that team constantly trying to hand him the job. And of course, they just ignored the offensive line again. Who needs blocking when you have MATTY ICE and a tiny running back? Julio Jones is insanely talented, but every snap is another minute of stress over the fact that his feet seem to be constructed from porcelain.
3. Tampa Bay - I continue to mourn the loss of Lovie Smith. Who else can reliably deliver that expression of stupefied confusion as well as Lovie could? Jameis Winston is still a probable rapist who needs to have his legs broken. Doug Martin possesses one of the worst nicknames of all time... Muscle Hamster? What the fuck does that even mean?! What kind of idiot gets glossed with that nickname and willingly shares it with people?! He also managed to slim down enough for his contract year to get paid. I have no doubt he'll get hurt by week 5 this year and promptly be 245 pounds and slow.
Still no defensive ends. Still no defensive backs. Still 3 linebackers all best suited for the same weak side position. Another recast offensive line that somehow looks worse than the crappy group from the previous year. A new cast of also-rans with the same results.
4. New Orleans - The only people who don't get that the window of opportunity has slammed shut here are the Saints and their fans. Yet another offensive lineman has been replaced by garbage. They spent last season proving yet again that their offense is conducive to any decent tight end putting up stats, but then blew their whole cap room wad on a tight end who didn't even produce in a pass-happy offense with his college buddy throwing the ball.
And that defense is only better in terms of not setting records for futility as they did a couple of years back. So many picks have been spent on this side of the ball with absolutely nothing to show for it. Any time that all 11 guys on the field actually manage to line up properly should be rewarded because I think that's the extent of realistic expectations for this island of misfit toys.
Sean Payton, his visor, his ego and his (alleged) taste for college girls can get fucked.
West
1. Arizona - Even if Carson Palmer's confidence is nonexistent after he spent the entire playoffs actively trying to give the ball to the opposition (seriously, was dude trying to throw the games to pay off gambling debts?!), this team will still take the division. They're that good and everyone else is that bad.
I do have my doubts about David Johnson meeting expectations for the year. He'd need to rush for approximately 3,250 yards, win the Nobel Prize in Chemistry and solve the Israeli/Palestinian question to even have a chance of doing so. And a supposedly good secondary looked pretty weak once Tyrann Mathieu went down (Jeff Janis got behind all of them twice in a minute? JEFF JANIS?)... but hey, recovery from a second major knee injury in three years is a sure thing, right?
2. Seattle - Fuck this team. Fuck the neon uniforms. Fuck the conspiracy-minded fans and their co-opted 12th Man horseshit . Fuck Kam Chancellor for being possibly the most overrated d-back in the league if you consider that whole pesky 'Can he cover people?' question (hint : he can't). Fuck their lack of a running back now that Marshawn has retired to a lifetime of Skittles. Oh, Thomas Rawls will be Beast Mode 2.0 based on 6 games last year? Really? Have you SEEN this offensive line?
I can only assume that they want Russell Wilson to die, and I say more power to them. He is the most disingenuous sack of pointless crap who has ever spoken to the media. This idiot actually started prattling on about the great taste of Gatorade during an interview for no reason whatsoever. He is not a human being. He's a living, breathing adbot . I also 'enjoy' his candid photos...
Jimmy Graham sucks, his knee is destroyed and he should have been released. It was a horrible trade for this team and always will be. They believed so little in the guy that they didn't even put any plays in the offense for him after surrendering a top pick and an all pro center to get him in the first place. Also, Pete Carroll is a 9/11 truther and an obnoxious douchebag. I hope he chokes to death on that gum he's constantly chewing ardently enough that I'm amazed he hasn't shattered his teeth in the process.
3. Los Angeles - Home of Jeff Fisher, the most overrated coach of all time! Come for the mediocrity, stay for the generic brand of boring football! Now foisted upon a disinterested LA market by a man who seems to be wearing a muskrat as a toupee!
Todd Gurley looks like a really good running back and he needs to be. The Rams apparently decided that after ripping off Washington for a pile of picks years ago to let the Skins get an overrated quarterback, they now needed to balance out the karma and do the same. Enter Jared Goff. Who? Exactly. Never has a #1 pick been less heralded than this over-drafted project.
They've handed him the same set of receivers as last year's guys got, who are great if you don't need your pass catchers to either catch passes or avoid getting drunk and stupid off the field. Hell, get them drunk ON the field! It can't be worse! And that line is there to once again disappoint. That should really be the Rams motto : Prepare to be disappointed!
Defensively, they decided to let their good young free safety leave and gave the same amount of money that he got elsewhere to a part time linebacker/safety hybrid. And of course they did. This is what the Rams do. They collect gimmick players who don't really have a role in a desperate attempt to create sizzle when there isn't even a steak.
4. San Francisco - It's almost impossible to believe that this team was a legit Super Bowl contender a couple of years ago. GM Trent Baalke won his power struggle with Jim Harbaugh, reshaped the roster, and proved that Harbaugh was right the whole time. Also, approximately 55 players immediately retired when Harbaugh left, and Harbaugh is a douche, so that's quite an accomplishment. And now it's time for the Chip Kelly show. He's an even more self important shitbag than Harbaugh was, so apparently Baalke is a horrible judge of character as well as an awful judge of talent. What a fantastic general manager!
They spent a fortune bringing in Torrey Smith last year to provide a one-dimensional deep threat for an offense that doesn't throw the ball deep ever . Carlos Hyde is just waiting to juice up the running game by yet again being gang tackled by the entire defense because they don't need to play the pass, before he inevitably gets hurt again. BLAINE GABBERT is the starting quarterback. Blaine Gabbert. The man who has repeatedly thrown passes with his eyes closed because 'scary pass rush' is this team's best choice at QB.
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