Hark the Herald Angels Scream

Oh hey, a blog! I should write in it and stuff!

Thanks, Rambo! Really can’t wait to see you drag your withered ass through another sequel that nobody asked for. Really…really can’t wait. Fuck.

So yeah! There were plans to write. Those plans went up in a blaze of malaise and apathy. But that fire was pretty non-committal and was easily extinguished, and now here we are. Lucky us.

This banter is absolute shit. Know what isn’t shit? Music! Thanks, Andrew W.K.! You should seriously be the theme song to everything made from now on.

Okay, a lot of music is absolute hot fucking garbage. Let’s ignore that and check out what I like to listen to, because I like to feel like a big man. I’m important, goddammit! Sweet merciful fuck, let’s just start this thing up before I continue babbling like a pompous asshole who likes to think that he’s entertaining.

Long story short : Music that was new to me in 2017, or late 2016. Doesn’t matter when it actually came out, just that I hadn’t really listened to it before last year. The list isn’t nearly as long as last year’s was, because that was utterly insane. But apparently I’m a size queen because I’m going to stack on some quick honorable mentions! EVEN MORE TIME BEFORE I GET TO THE POINT! YOU’RE WELCOME!

Bones (UK) – Just a warning for parents : watching the intro sequence of that video around little kids is going to lead to questions like “What is that man doing to that lady?” You have been warned. Apparently there was some long forgotten shitty band called Bones already, so they added the UK to their name? Or they just did it because they liked it? And/or they’re British? I don’t fucking know (Actually, they are British. I do know that part). I also have no goddamn idea what to classify this music style as. Electro-drum-sass? Who fucking cares. Genre titles mean nothing anyway, so just enjoy it. And the three other singles they have (Make that four). And that’s it. No actual album yet, hence the honorable mention. Come for the catchy beat that drills into your fucking head, stay for the cunnilingus! Okay kids, it’s time for that talk…

Greta Van Fleet – I actually really like these guys, but they have a single 8 track EP, half of which was previously released material. And that’s it. And they’re pretty much the greatest Led Zeppelin cover band of all time. Close your eyes and tell me for certain that you could definitely tell the two apart and I’ll punch you in the fucking nuts for lying to me. The goddamn kid on the mic sounds like Robert Plant. It’s uncanny! I’m curious to see (hear, I suppose) what direction they follow from here. Hopefully it’s a tad less clone-ish.

Tech N9ne – This man lives as the ultimate example that everyone needs an editor. He puts out multiple double length albums every year, splitting his time between his own stuff and Collabos collections that link him up with seemingly everyone involved in music on planet Earth. Maybe that’s the end goal? The problem with being that prolific is that you end up being very inconsistent and wobbly. So while the good stuff is REALLY DAMN GOOD, there’s too much other stuff that just…yeah.

Who am I to argue with Neo? Let’s actually get this cranked up. Oh, since a person or two asked about a playlist last year, I made one on Spotify (Though there are a few tracks that aren’t on Spotify, which is annoying). So you can listen to that as an accompaniment, or ignore this post and just enjoy that if you’re a fucking lame-ass who wants to get away from my rapier wit and keen insights. RUN! RUN, YOU FOOLS!

Army of the Pharaohs – Remember the Wu Tang Clan? Not for the music or Ol’ Dirty Bastard being completely insane or anything like that, but just for the sheer scope of what they were. They were like a hip hop platoon. More of them kept spilling out of the limo like it was a clown car filled with an endless supply of rappers. It was insane! Welcome to the modern version. No fewer than TWENTY motherfuckers have spent time as pharaohs in this group. They outnumber an NBA roster! Now, this is where I admit that they really aren’t musically anything super spectacular. But the samples are solid and the beats hit like some sort of cross between a curb stomping and a metronome (Which is why they appear a lot on my workout playlists). Plus, they look like the cast of some sort of sitcom set in a New York deli. This was a group mentioned somewhere by Jay Ferrugia, a fitness trainer with a podcast I regularly listen to and who’s a bit of a rap aficionado.

Avatar – How fortuitous for you that we’ve already arrived at my favorite band for the year. Yep, wrap it up, we’re all done! I caught them opening up for In This Moment in November. I’m hoping that their headlining tour brings them here, because they’re fucking awesome. Not quite headlining, but they ARE opening for Trivium along with Light the Torch later this year, and I’m all the fuck over that show. They’re all over the map both musically and vocally, jumping from one style to the next between songs or even during them, all while being more than a little bit quirky. As in, they’ve taken on this band persona of a mentally deranged circus sideshow quirky. A couple of years ago, they released a concept album about (and I quote) “an owl who goes to war with the world.” It’s like if Mike Patton was just starting out now and decided to form a full bore metal band…and had more vocal range. Their videos are creative. Their live show is excellent. They’re just a pile of fun and power riffs wrapped up in grease paint.

Banks & Steelz – Another hip hop group I was turned on to by Jay Ferrugia. Banks is Paul Banks, front man for the band Interpol. Steelz is the RZA of Wu Tang fame. They apparently hatched the idea of a collaboration over noodles with RZA’s martial arts coach, which is a scenario so completely silly that I wouldn’t believe it if it was coming from anyone else. Come for the top ramen, stay for the tunes! Whether or not their one album turns out to be a novelty item or the start of something more remains to be seen.

Beware of Darkness – I heard that song early in the year on XM while driving to work. I promptly forgot the name of the band. Then it happened again. And again. And the fucking song was stuck in my head and I DIDN’T KNOW THE NAME OF THE BAND AND I HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS AAUGH! Eventually, the stars aligned and I actually remembered their name long enough for it to stick (They’re named for a George Harrison song. They sound nothing like him, so I have no idea why). They’re like if you took the attitude and fuzz from The Strokes and left all the unlikeable douchebag bullshit behind. That’s a lot of bullshit. Seriously, fuck The Strokes. I hated that band. 

Blitz Kids – I have absolutely no recollection of how I ended up hearing this band in the first place. I really should start leaving notes on the list to avoid these situations. I won’t, of course. I just really should. They’re just about the most clean cut looking band that I think I have ever listened to. They look like people whose idea of going buck wild is busting out the CHOCOLATE milk. I tend to like my guitar rock with a side of filth and a hint of menace. I truly have no idea why I like them, but they’ve apparently ear-wormed their way deep enough into my consciousness that I can’t shake them out. Of course, they also broke up (amicably, of course) before I even discovered them. So there’s that.

Citizen Zero – A band who I discovered live, this time opening for Amaranthe. They delivered a pretty sweet cover of Stranglehold, minus the Ted Nugent part (which I appreciate. That song is insanely good, but fuck Ted Nugent). And their own stuff is decent in that ‘inoffensively solid guitar rock’ sort of way. What’s interesting is that when they were setting up live, it was pretty clear that their lead guitarist was in charge of getting the sound check right. He kind of seemed like the band’s core, but he’s a replacement. The original was the drummer’s brother who died a few years back. And I have no idea where to go with this now. What the fuck was the point of this entire line of thought? Music! Crazy, right?

Chvrches – And I thought that there were crazy genres and sub-genres in the rock world! Here we have a synthpop group who incorporate sounds of something called ‘indietronica’ into what they do. I do not have the slightest fucking idea what in the world that even means. Anyway, these guys basically provide suitable background music when I’m working on something. For example, they’re great when I’m writing. Except for this, since, you know, kinda jumping from group to group and stuff while I’m working on it. So there we go. I’ve murdered my own example. This is also the 2017 trophy winner for the “Wait, Cliff listens to THIS?” award. Well deserved.

Dead Soldiers – Let’s shake things up with a little bluesy country roots rock. The only reason that I’ve ever even heard of this band is that they were opening for another band that will appear later on this list, and yet I didn’t even make it to that show. They also have a horrible fucking name when you’re trying to search for videos that won’t depress the living shit out of you. If you have an equal love for banjos AND power chords, you might like it. Unleash your inner rube!

Dorothy – You’ve probably already heard her stuff without knowing it, since about half the songs off her first album ended up showing up in commercials for every fucking thing known to man. I love me some female fronted rock bands. I particularly like the ones where the female in question has some beastly vocal chops. That first album was good, but it all sort of ran together style-wise. The second one mixes in some 60s/70s guitar sound and lets things change up a bit more. So maybe fewer ads, but overall a lot more interesting.

Down – Holy mother of fuck did I love me some Pantera. I mean, I still do, but that band hit me like a goddamn Mack truck of fucking spectacular and left me wanting more. That analogy makes no sense, but that’s par for the course with me. I hadn’t really listened to any of the side projects or later bands of ex-members until recent years, so I’m extremely late to Phil Anselmo’s first side band. They’ve broken apart and reformed more often than Voltron. They started off heavy guitar rock, then slowly morphed into just straight up grinding sludge. Also, every later video seems to feature witches. I don’t know why. This isn’t the only entry featuring ex-Pantera members that will appear on this list…

Failure Anthem – I have no idea if I’ll have any interest in this band in a year. Hell, they might not even exist anymore. But I saw them open for Amaranthe, only they were…different. I’d heard that song before, but this time they had a woman fronting the band. Turns out the usual singer had left a few weeks before that tour started, so she was filling in. It later turned out that she was the girlfriend of the guitar player, but she seemed way too comfortable on stage to be a rookie, so I…Okay, I am getting way ahead of myself here. I just don’t have a lot to say about the band, though that wasn’t even the only weird replacement singer story from that concert that will appear on this list!

Fair to Midland – The first of two bands on this list who came to my ears by way of a co-worker at FedEx. They’re a progressive rock band, which is a term that I’m sure means…something to someone. I still have barely any damn clue what any of these genre titles actually indicate beyond giving Internet music nerds something to bicker about. What I can tell you is that they’re chock full of tempo and stylistic shifts. You may have noticed by now that I’m a bit of a sucker for that. Unfortunately, they also went on what seems to be a permanent hiatus about five years ago, awash in debt and scattered around without a recording contract. Well, that certainly didn’t end on a happy note. Fuck. Uh, listen to this! That’s better.

Fire From the Gods – I’ve often talked about the fact that I’m kind of done with metal that’s nothing but roaring metal vocals all the damn time. At the same time, I started listening to a lot more Metalcore this year. While a lot of those bands do mix up the vocal styles, many don’t, leaving me even more of a hypocrite than before. Yay? Getting back to the fucking point (finally), FFtG are in the former category (if they’re even in the category. Opinions seem mixed. Isn’t music fun?). And AJ Channer’s clean vocals are insanely good once he releases them from their prison behind a metal roar straight from Hell. If it wasn’t for Avatar, well…say Hello to runner up status!

Greenleaf – I didn’t actually see these guys live last year, but I was supposed to. They were originally the main opener for Truckfighters. Then they ran into Canadian visa issues and were replaced on the bill by Yawning Man (Ugh. All I will say is that band name is entirely too appropriate.), but I had already checked them out. You will be SHOCKED to learn that a band with that name are stoner rock/fuzz metal. I know, right? So expect a lot of giant riffs meaty as ham hocks repeating ad nauseam until you’re dizzy and spent. Originally, most of the members were in another band called Dozer, but then they all came into this one and became it…or something. Who the fuck knows? Viva la Sweden!

Hopsin – First, I saw that video, which immediately grabbed my attention by the lapel and hurled it into a wall. Then I found out that the guy has an ‘Ill Mind of Hopsin’ song series that’s basically him ranting about various shit that pops into his head. I like ranting and off the cuff stuff! Overall, he reminds me of Eminem, only without the predictable alternating back and forth between ‘wacky costumes funny stuff’ and ‘aw shit, he all serious now!’. Sure, Hopsin covers both of those bases, but he’s a bit more all over the field. And if there’s one thing I like, it’s a taste of chaos!

I Prevail – Cliff likes big guitar hooks. Cliff likes two different vocalists. One is the nice boy who seems like such a sweetheart. Let’s take him home to mom and then OH MY GOD THE BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE! GUY NUMBER TWO IS MURDERING US ALL! Anyway, right, stuff that Cliff likes. The ability to write a fucking earworm that burrows deep into the frontal lobe and then utterly refuses to leave helps, too. You catchy motherfucker. And if you aren’t anything spectacularly memorable, catchy works. If you disagree, go back and listen to Avatar again. Actually, do that anyway.

John Forte – You know this song is old. You know it’s old because fucking DMX is still a relevant guest artist that would wow someone. Is he still alive? Anyway, John was the producer for The Fugees, then he struck out on his own and released one decent album. Then he disappeared back behind the boards in the studio. Occasional returns are kinda…dated sounding. But that first one is good. This is another one comin’ straight outta Ferrugia.

Karen Elson – I had absolutely no idea who this woman was. Well, make that only the slightest idea, since I remember seeing that she was the opener for Ryan Adams and responding with something like “Wasn’t she Mrs. Jack White at some point?” Yes, she was. Also, I really don’t like Jack White. He seems like King of the Hipsters. Turns out that’s a meaningless little bit of background information behind the fact that she’s really good at writing really sad sounding songs. It’s like melancholy set to music. I also liked her live set a lot more, just because of the total lack of percussion. Two guitars, a violin and a harp was all that was playing, and it totally fucking worked.

Kill Devil Hill – Remember waaaaaayyyyy back at Down when I mentioned projects by ex-Pantera band members? Here’s the other one! Rex Brown (who was also in Down for a time) is in this one, along with a few other guys who’ve been in other bands. If you like guitar rock that would be fitting blasting out the open windows of a Dodge Charger, you’ll find a home here.

Killswitch Engage – Back to the metalcore! Actually, one of the bands who kind of founded the genre. Anyway, they’ve been around for a long time. Their name aside (which I always thought was pretty badass), they totally escaped my notice until this past year. They also managed to start with one singer, switch to another (Howard Jones is phenomenal, and miiiiiiight just be appearing again a bit later on this list), then back to the first guy again (dude also has a set of pipes). That’s like some sort of amazing rock yoyo. Yes, I used this line entirely to get away with that picture to the left. Bringing the funny! They also covered a Dio song and put out a different track that will stab you right in the feels. They are entirely to blame for the sheer number of bands on this list who go from gentle to SCREAMING IN YOUR FUCKING FACE with no warning at all. So treat them accordingly.

Killer Mike – This is another one suggested by Jay Ferrugia at some point either on his podcast or Instagram. This just clicks when I have weights in my hands and I’m sweating buckets. I don’t know why, but it works. Also when I’m driving. I don’t often mix those activities, so take that for what you will.

I’m also going to double up in this entry (Two…two groups in one! The value is immeasurable!) and include Run the Jewels. That’s what Killer Mike is up to these days, forming up a posse of two with producer El-P. I actually like them a lot better than KM on his own. They also did a crazy catchy song with DJ Shadow with a great accompanying video.

La Coka Nostra – It’s another one found via Jay Ferrugia. It’s ALSO the answer to the trivia question “Hey, whatever happened to the guys from House of Pain?”. The answer : they hooked up with Slaine, then got really pissed off and hard as fuck. It’s like a hip hop Voltron, with separate entities joining together to yell a lot of obscenities. Now that’s my kind of giant robot! Also, my second Voltron reference in one post. That has to be some sort of record.

Letters From the Fire – So, this is where we return to the story of Alexa Kabazie, last visited in the Failure Anthem entry. This was her regular gig when she wasn’t busy filling in for Failure Anthem. Emphasis on ‘was her regular gig’, because she’s now left to do something else, and they’re moving on to singer #3. Seriously, it might be easier to just listen to bands that no longer exist. This all gets really fucking hard to follow.

Light the Torch – Are you sick and tired of band members hopping between groups in this entry yet? I sure as fuck hope not, or you’ll soon be driven into a murderous rage. Honestly, schizophrenic band lineups seem to be the odd theme for my 2017 music list. This is what Howard Jones (ex of Killswitch Engage) is up to now. It’s him and a cabal of guys from other metalcore bands welded together into this new assemblage of juicy hooks and shouting. I should probably not look for work writing promotional material. Oh, for earlier material by these guys, look up the band name Devil You Know. That was originally their name before the departure of another band member forced a name change for legal reasons. Seriously, what in the fuck is going on?! I’m getting a goddamn headache trying to keep track of this shit!

Murder by Death – Welcome to something that can practically not be categorized! They’re kind of alt-country, with some rock and kind of goth-y shit thrown into the mix. Imagine if Nick Cave started up a band that would play soundtracks for Spaghetti Western movies and you’re on the right track. The one common featured instrument throughout the life of the band is the cello. They’ve written a concept album about the devil warring against a small town in New Mexico. I have no memory whatsoever of how I ended up hearing them in the first place, but what the fuck ever.

New Year’s Day – I’m a pretty huge fan of Halestorm and In This Moment. They announced a tour of the Eastern states that also featured these guys and Stitched Up Heart. Since NYD were the only band I hadn’t heard before, I checked them out. They aren’t quite as up to snuff or varied, but they’re solid ear candy. I don’t know how one would feed candy to their ear. I just write these things, I ain’t paid to think about them! Oh, and continuing with this year’s theme, this band has a list of…ready for it?…SEVENTEEN former members. That has to be some sort of record. One of them is actually named Zac Morris. I guarantee that guy’s childhood was Hell. They’ve also followed the Halestorm model of releasing a covers EP, which tends towards the unexpected.

Parkway Drive – If you’re going to get in to Metalcore, you pretty much cannot avoid these Australians who look surprisingly normal. Seriously, you would not expect those vocals to come out of that guy’s face unless you were watching it happen. Plus, they’ve had a stable band lineup since 2006! MIRACULOUS! And long time fans are having spazzouts and calling them sellouts because they dared change their sound, which is usually a pretty good indication that a band is actually pretty good. Finally, the bass player is nicknamed ‘Pie’. Nothing bad can ever come from pie!

Prophets of Rage – This had fucking disaster written all over it. Chuck D and B Real hooking up with Rage against the Machine sans Zack de la Rocha? There is no way that this won’t be a stunning disappointment. It will collapse under the weight of expectations. Now, is it the full blown amazeballs experience that people may have initially promised? No. But nothing could have lived up to that. Jesus fucking Christ himself could have come back from the dead as JC Lite and started spinning beats for the resurrected tandem of Biggie and Tupac and it wouldn’t have lived up to the hype this had. But it is pretty damn good. Angry Chuck = good. The Rage guys can lay down a sick track. And B Real actually isn’t bad I’ve never been a Cypress Hill fan, so that part of the equation was underwhelming for me on the way in. And they’re as fearlessly fucking political as anyone could have hoped.

Rishloo – Another band brought to you (well, me) by a FedEx compadre. I don’t know what in the fuck that name means. I don’t know what the Hell is going on with their bizarre album covers. I really don’t know why their Wiki page is only in Spanish. But they broke up in 2012 when one guy left, and the rest of the band formed a new band…until they reformed a year and a half later! Back to the theme for 2017!

The guy’s voice also reminds me quite a bit of Maynard James Keenan, yet everything is also far, far, FAAAAARRRR less weird than Maynard James Keenan. Also, less obnoxious. Am I the only one who thinks he now clearly has his own head wedged firmly in his ass? They’re weird, they’re varied, they’re all over the damn place.

Slow Season – I hope you’re ready for more of what’s apparently ‘psychedelic metal’, because that seems to be the area we’re currently mining for ear gems. That rates amongst the fucking worst things that I have ever said or typed in my life. I’m leaving it there out of a brutal honesty that I am capable of crapping out dreck like that. You’re welcome? I don’t remember where I first heard this band. Probably followed an Internet rabbit hole from some slightly similar group to this point or something. Anyway, take the 60s and mix in a lot of drugs. A dump truck full of psychedelics and weed. Now hand those drugs some musical instruments. Congratulations, you have both Slow Season and one bizarre visual!

Smash Into Pieces – Remember back when I talked about Failure Anthem and the mystery replacement singer? Later on that night, the headliners hit the stage. Only, the lead singer from this band had replaced the original clean vocalist from Amaranthe because that guy had bailed prior to the tour. It was a very confusing night. Anyway, their opening set was really solid. Unfortunately, their albums are quite hit and miss. There are some REALLY good songs in there, and there are some…oof.

On a different note, their drummer/DJ goes by Apocalypse DJ. That’s him in the background. Yes, that’s what he wears on stage. That mask’s LED lights strobe, change colors and quite possibly make breakfast. I cannot imagine how rank the inside of that damn thing must be by the end of a set, especially considering he is draped head to two in black for the entire show. The dry cleaning bills must be extravagant.

Snowgoons – It’s another discovery through Jay Ferrugia! Take a small squad of German hip hop producers and set them loose with a bevy of rappers making guest appearances and you get some pretty decent shit. You also get 24 albums. TWENTY FOUR. I won’t lie to you and claim that I’ve listened to even half of it, but I do like what I’ve heard so far. Imagine if someone like P Diddy just stayed in the booth and let actually talented people work the mic while he rocked the mix. Imagine how much better that world would have been. Fuck, that guy sucks. Kinda like this. It’s like a musical 4th Reich goose stepping all over your ear drums. That was probably inappropriate. Meh.

The Bellfuries – Begin another trend for this list : the prevalence of the upright bass! I want the return of upright bass players to take music over. An upright bass in every band! AND BRING BACK THE FUCKING KEYTAR!

Anyway, this band was supposed to appear live at a concert that I didn’t end up going to. I know, what a fucking thrilling story that is. Let me tell you a real ripper about the ice cream sandwich I almost bought! They’re definitely a throwback 60s rockabilly type band. They may in fact be haunted by the ghosts of The Everly Brothers. Holy shit, one of them is still alive?! That makes for an awkward haunting.

The Creepshow – One of the podcasts that I listen to with regularity is a boardgaming/RPG centered one called The Secret Cabal. They did a Q&A episode a while back that covered the subject of music they’re into, and several of them mentioned psychobilly. One band that popped up a few times was this one. Upright bass? Check. Sweet facial hair? Check. Hot singer? Check. Definite horror movie theme? Check. Band on their second singer? Yep, trend continues! Actually, their third. They played for a short while with the sister of the original singer before moving on with this one. Also, when I saw them in concert last year, every single goddamn band on the bill had an upright bass. Boxes checked. Moving on!

Tiger Army – Hey, it’s the band that I considered seeing live! This story isn’t getting better with repeated appearances, but I have nothing else. The weird thing is that I don’t know how the fuck I heard about this band before passing on their concert. Actually, that isn’t that weird, based on this list. I have the memory of a fucking goldfish. So, welcome to the 50s, population : these guys. They did used to play rockier stuff, but that was with a previous band lineup. I don’t know if they still play that. Mainly because the lead guy there is the only persistent band member. He’s surrounded by mercs.

Unleash the Archers – So, did you get lulled in to a false sense of safety during that calm interlude to a simpler time? Did you turn up the volume to enjoy the sweet sounds of old school stuff? If so, have you found all the fragments of what remains of your eardrums, you idiot? I discovered this group through one of those stupid fucking Facebook ads, of all things. I liked the video and listened to more. Shrieking odes to Mad Max? Yep. Drumwork so fast that the poor bastard rocking the sticks will inevitably just drop dead at some point because his heart exploded? Yep. Possibly the whitest teeth I have ever seen in music videos? Yep. This band is a heavy metal Crest commercial. The nerdiest song name I have ever seen, and a video complete with a knight costume fresh from one of those fly by night Halloween stores? Yep. Album covers fresh off the side of a van? Yep. In. I’m so in.

Valerie June – And now that you’re all scared, and your ears are cowering from fear of what’s next…I bring it down again. Is it a bluff? A cruel ruse? Or am I really into this rootsy bluegrass 60s folk country Motown chick? Can it be all of those things? Then it gets to be true AND I get to be a giant dick. Winner winner! I don’t remember how I heard Valerie June for the first time, so I’ll make up a story. I had a weird fever dream where a talking upright bass told me about her. It seemed important, so I listened. Upright bass cannot steer a man wrong.

We Hunt Buffalo – ANOTHER MASSIVE TEMPO SHIFT! Let those riffs rip your fucking lungs asunder!

Well, we’ve done it. We’ve actually reached the end of this thing. Yes, I actually can write something to completion. Crazy! This is our final band for the year. I saw these guys open for Truckfighters last year. They play fuzz/sludge rock, which is pretty much code for “We will turn the amps up so fucking high that the shattering of the speakers will create our distortion for us.” Then we just mix in a bearded front man bellowing, and we’ve got our sound. And more beards. Good. Good.

Ladies and gentlemen, you should be commended for actually slogging through this mess. Or maybe you skipped to the end, in which case I will give you a hearty ‘go fuck yourself’ and send you on your merry fucking way. At any rate, this brings the 2017 year of musical discovery to a close, and only halfway through 2018! Yeah, I suck.